Zay-Zay’s 2025 Mock Draft
With the underwear Olympics behind us and the NFL draft only a few short weeks away, its officially time for Zay’s mock draft. As we all know, Isaiah has been spot on during these mocks (some are even beginning to call him “The Oracle of Shadynasty’s”), so buckle in as we get an early preview of how the draft will definitively go later in May.
This year we bought a pack of 15 balloons and put names inside of them on little pieces of paper. Isaiah is an avid balloon enthusiast with an affinity for the color red, so those balloons were assigned to the top prospects. One by one, Isaiah popped the balloons to make picks…
1.01 Ashton Jeanty (Wright Patt Chairforce)
It’s rookie draft #2 of a grueling “tear it to the ground” rebuild for the Chairforce, and they have a need at every position. Selecting a RB at 1.01 may not be viewed as the best use of resources when your roster is literally Caleb Williams, Brian Thomas Jr, and 24 practice squad players, but Ashton Jeanty is the definitive top fantasy asset in this year’s draft.
Jeanty is a dynamic back known for his explosive speed and agility. He has the ability to break through defenses with ease and make big plays. However, his smaller stature might raise concerns about his durability at the professional level. If he can stay healthy, Jeanty has the potential to be a game-changer for the Wright Patt Chairforce.
1.02 Shedeur Sanders (Mason Minutemen)
Coming off of their first Shadynasty’s championship, the Minutemen entered 2024 with aging assets and decided to attempt a soft rebuild – and what better start than to secure a young QB2.
Shedeur Sanders has the arm talent, accuracy, and swagger to light up the stat sheet. Leadership? Off the charts. But under pressure, his decision-making sometimes looks like Jry behind the Hole in the Wall at midnight puking in a small plastic cup. If he can relax in the chaos, he might just turn into a long-term solution at QB for the Minutemen.
1.03 Tyler Warren (Centerville Cheekburgers)
The Cheekburgers are another rebuilding team with several holes on the roster. Luckily for Jim, he’s already hit on two young QBs to build around – but I’m not sure if going tight end this early would be a wise decision.
Tyler Warren is a beefy tight end who plays with a vengeance. Anger reminiscent of a hungover Jim that’s out of Diet Dew. Unfortunately, his route-running is sloppier than a 3-way at Skyline, so there will more than likely be some growing pains at the next level.
1.04 Cam Ward (Gem City Titties)
Cam Ward is the kind of quarterback who can pull magic out of his ass on one play, then launch a soul-crushing interception the next. He’s a human highlight reel, but sometimes his mechanics look like they were coached by a drunk uncle at a family BBQ – off balance, off target, and occasionally yeeted into double coverage with reckless optimism.
Wait… this sounds oddly similar to another Titan’s QB…
But none of that matters to Delzieth. He doesn’t see Cam Ward’s flaws – he sees the second coming of Steve McNair with a TikTok account. Let’s just hope he’s right this time around.
1.05 TreVeyon Henderson (Wright Patt Chairforce)
TreVeyon Henderson is lightning in cleats – explosive, elusive, and gone before defenders can curse his name. He’s got game-breaking speed and smooth cuts, but his hands are still a work in progress… more “occasional wow” than “every-down weapon.”
Still, for Chairforce GM Logger, any concerns about Henderson’s receiving game are just “water under the fridge”. He’s betting big on the upside, and if it pays off, that late first-round pick will look like “chunk change”.
1.06 Kaleb Johnson (Chickasaw Chafed Chodes)
The Chafed Chodes need a running back like a homeless man outside of Air City needs a dollar, so taking a shot on one at 1.06 makes sense.
Kaleb Johnson is a big back that loves lowering his shoulder and throwing his weight around, punishing would-be tacklers with ease. He thrives in short-yardage situations and dinks up defenders like a rental car. The problem? The JAG vibes are strong – and not the cool Liam Coen “Duuuvaaaal” kind.
1.07 Emeka Egbuka (Burrow of Brooklyn)
Emeka Egbuka is a dynamic wide receiver with excellent speed and route-running skills. He has the ability to create separation and make big plays downfield.
However, Egbuka’s hands have been less than ideal at times, which he tries to hide with body-catching – kind of like Squirt’s attempt to hide his ginger roots with purple hair dye. If he can improve his catching ability, Egbuka could give the Burrow of Brooklyn one of the better WR groups in Shadynasty’s.
1.08 Matthew Golden (Chickasaw Chafed Chodes)
Matthew Golden is a speedster, clocking in a 4.29 40-yard dash at the combine, which is faster than Kevin can say “Shit fam, I need another wide receiver.” His hands and route-running are solid, but he’s got room to grow.
With the Chafed Chodes going through yet ANOTHER “retooling” year, adding a reliable wide receiver is likely a high priority, so this pick makes sense. Matthew Golden, Hollywood Brown, and Jameson Williams would make for a trio of absolute big play speed demons that may compliment the consistency of Puka quite well.
1.09 Cam Skattebo (Chickasaw Chafed Chodes)
Another brusing back for the Chafed Chodes! Cam Skattebo doesn’t dance – he detonates. This running back moves with bad intentions and enough force to make linebackers rethink their life choices, lowering his shoulder and hitting them harder than Kevin hits his vape pen after downing a bottle of bourbon.
Tank Bigsby, Kaleb Johnson, Cam Skattebo – RB thunder to the Chafed Chodes’ lightning at WR.
1.10 Luther Burden III (Mason Minutemen)
Luther Burden is cooler than a nice glass of iced milk when he has the ball in his hands – slippery, explosive, and always a threat to take it the distance. His route-running still needs polish, and his hands can be a little dicey, but the playmaking potential is there in spades.
For those unaware Jry is, in fact, from Missouri – so this pick was practically written in the stars.
1.11 Quinshon Judkins (Wright Patt Chairforce)
It looks like Logger will continue to ignore the QBs in this year’s class and select a 3rd runningback. With TreVeyon Henderson already in the fold, the Chairforce has a nice little Ohio State reunion going on.
Judkins brings the bruising style to complement Henderson’s speed. He can break tackles and gain yards after contact, making him a valuable addition to the Wright Patt Chairforce. However, Judkins’ pass-catching ability is still a work in progress. If he can improve in this area, he could become a complete 3-down back.
1.12 Travis Hunter (Weisbaden Wichsers)
Travis Hunter is the ultimate wild card – a guy who could just as easily be locking down wide receivers on defense as he is torching corners on offense. The Wichsers don’t know which side of the ball Hunter will primarily play on, but his upside is impossible to ignore.
With his raw athleticism and elite skills, Hunter could be a massive value at pick 12. It’s a dangerous pick, but Special Agent McLaren is just the type of guy willing to take this type of risk.
1.13 Tet Mcmillan (Burrow of Brooklyn)
I’d bet a large sum of money that Squirt can’t pronounce the name ‘Tetairoa,’ but here we are.
“Tay-tuh-roh-uh”…
“Tuh-ty-uh-roh-uh”…
“Tit-er-ayooo”…
Tet Mcmillan is a physical wide receiver known for his strong hands and ability to make contested catches. His size and strength make him a red-zone threat, however, his lack of top-end speed might limit his ability to separate from defenders. If Mcmillan can work on his route-running, he could become a reliable target for the Burrow of Brooklyn.
1.14 Omarion Hampton (Anna Apollos)
The Apollos are in position to compete for titles in this league over the next few years, and adding another young RB to the mix could help them secure their first championship.
Omarion Hampton is the ranch to the Apollos’ cheese fries – he brings the perfect balance of power and versatility, offering a dynamic option in the backfield. Vito’s squad is building something special, and with Hampton’s ability to grind out yards and keep defenses honest, he could be a key ingredient to their championship run.
Just missed the cut…
Jaxon Dart? More like Jaxon Fart, pry. We had 15 balloons, and Zay refused to let me just leave one out. My guess is Jaxon ends up going sometime in round 1 due to QB scarcity, but alas…
the Oracle has spoken.
