Trade Evaluations

Don’t drink and trade. After 18 holes of golf and about 10 hours of boozing, the Doughboys and Golden Gods struck a deal. This one isn’t aging well for the Doughboys, as Darnold was shipped to Carolina and should have the weapons around him to have some decent fantasy output.

Doughboys: D-
Golden Gods: A

Ah yes, the ole’ Menage A Trois. McLaurin and Michael Thomas were swapped along with a whole slew of picks.

The 2021 1st for the Burrow of Brooklyn turned into Jaylen Waddle, and the two 2nds for the Doughboys ended up being Amon-Ra St. Brown and Pat Freiermuth.

Bukkake: B-
Doughboys: C+
Burrow of Brooklyn: B+

Oh imagine that, another Zer trade. Obviously this is not aging well for the Apollos with the recent news of Akers’ achilles. It’s tough for a running back to return to NFL speed after an injury of that magnitude – unfortunate, and impossible to predict.

Doughboys: A-
Anna Apollos: D+

Two young RBs, both equally as frustrating. Josh Jacobs was a highly coveted fantasy player just last season, going toward the end of round 1 in most redraft leagues. His fall from the top is a result of a lack of efficiency combined with the fact that he may have some competition in town now. Damien Harris, on the other hand, is seeing his stock rise. Sony Michel is now out of town, and the backfield seems to be ripe for the taking. Unfortunately, that backfield is ran by Bill Belichick, and he is known for goal-line cuckery.

Don’t really hate this trade for either team.

Wimps: B
Fuckboys: B

2020 breakout RB Myles Gaskin for two picks next year. Not the easiest to judge at the moment, but as it stands the Dolphins haven’t shown that they truly think Gaskin is the guy thus far. That being said, the only competition they brought in is Malcolm Brown.

Doughboys: B+
Scallywags: C+

As a rookie, Brandon Aiyuk put up some pretty solid numbers. The 49ers put him in position for YAC, and he took advantage. How much a healthy Deebo cuts into this production is yet to be seen. The Fuckboys recognized an opportunity to collect some good future draft capital, and they took it.

Fuckboys: B+
Minutemen: B-

This one was a fuggin’ monster. Dalvin Cook is coming off of his second consecutive top 5 RB finish, and the Gargoyles are ready to make a run. After losing Cam Akers, the Apollos decided it was time to get some assets for the future – and boy, did they get some assets for the future.

Gargoyles: C+
Apollos: A

Franchise Values

“Team Total” ranks rosters by total franchise valuations. This is based both on draft capital and current players (taking into consideration youth, potential, talent, etc). “Best Starting Lineup” ranks teams based on the value of best possible starting lineups. All questions and complaints can be directed to support@meatspin.com. Full roster evaluations can be found at Dynasty Ranker.

1st: Doughboys | Team Total: 104,902 | Best Starting Lineup: 12th – 1,599

2nd: Whimps | Team Total: 100,935 | Best Starting Lineup: 8th – 1,848

3rd : Bukkake| Team Total: 99,400 | Best Starting Lineup: 3rd – 2,183

4th : Chafed Chodes | Team Total: 98,455 | Best Starting Lineup: 10th – 1,659

5th : Cucks | Team Total: 94,386 | Best Starting Lineup: 4th – 2,172

6th : Burrow of Brooklyn | Team Total: 88,624 | Best Starting Lineup: 14th – 1,532

7th : ChairForce | Team Total: 85,278 | Best Starting Lineup: 6th – 1,976

8th : Apollos | Team Total: 85,224 | Best Starting Lineup: 11th – 1,643

9th : Minutemen | Team Total: 81,606 | Best Starting Lineup: 1st – 2,248

10th : CheekBurgers | Team Total: 76,764 | Best Starting Lineup: 7th – 1,918

11th : Golden Gods | Team Total: 74,230 | Best Starting Lineup: 5th – 1,984

12th : Fuckboys | Team Total: 68,249 | Best Starting Lineup: 13th – 1,542

13th : Gargoyles | Team Total: 68,210 | Best Starting Lineup: 2nd – 2,224

14th : Scallywags | Team Total: 67,473| Best Starting Lineup: 9th – 1,664

2021 Preseason Power Rankings

#1 – Mason Minutemen

In the words of the infamous poet Soulja Boy Tell’em, “Stacks on Stacks on Stacks!” – with two of the best stacks in the game in Mahomes/Hill and Wilson/Metcalf, the Mason Minutemen will enter the 2021 season with a loaded starting lineup. They also tripped over their own dicks into a potential workhorse RB this year in Darrel Henderson, which shores up a much needed flex spot. Without much of a bench or draft capital, the Minutemen will be playing injury roulette this season.

#2 – Belmont Bukkake

The defending champions roll into the season ranked #2 after shipping off up and coming star WR Terry McLauren for a bag of shit who goes by the name “Slant Boi”. What a horrible decision. Who’s fucking running this shit show?

Luckily, the Bukkake are built to weather the storm and have the depth survive while they wait on Michael Thomas to rehab his surgically repaired ankle and hurt feelings.

#3 – Gahanna Gargoyles

After a recent blockbuster trade, the Gahanna Gargoyles go for broke (heh) and acquire Dalvin Cook to pair with Saquon Barkley in order to create the most intimidating backfield in the league. Even though the two of them combined have had more knee surgeries than Zer, they are still young enough to put up a few more seasons of top level production.

The Gargoyles are also lacking in depth, and will be dependent on their two future Hall of Famers – Tom Brady and Jalen Hurts – to get off to a hot start.

#4 – Cassella Cucks

2020 was not kind to the Cucks. They were plagued by injury all season, yet they still scratched and clawed their way to the championship game. “New year, new me” though, right?

WRONG. Dak Prescott is a baby back bitch. “Oweeee, my shoulder hurts!” – Dak Prescott, pry. This man is already hurt again, and has in no way shown that he is a capable NFL QB.

#5 – Oakwood Golden Gods

I AM UNTEATHERED AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

Oakwood is known for being full of old people, and this team is heading in that direction. While 2021 shouldn’t be much of an issue, the Golden Gods will soon have half of their starters past the age apex. The time to “shit or get off the pot” is rapidly approaching.

#6 – The WrightPatt ChairForce

It’s hard to get too excited over the ChairForce, yet here they are at #6.

Their 2021 season seemed to be in “Jeopardy”, as Aaron Rodgers decided it was more important to have Shailene Woodley sit on his face in Hawaii than to use his mouth and actually talk things out with the Packers (good call, Aaron). But he’s back for this season, and will join a squad that should be able to make a run at the playoffs.

#7 – West Carrollton Wimps

The Wimps have a roster that is LOADED with potential. There’s so much upside here that everyone’s all like, “Wow… look at all that upside!”.

There is an opportunity for this squad to explode in 2021 and pound the competition, yet saying that feels premature. All things considered, expect the Wimps to push for a playoff run. They’ll likely have an even better outlook in 2022.

#8 – Centerville Cheekburgers

This is a difficult team to project. The Cheekburgers put up a good push in the back half of last season, and they still have a lot of talent – including a two headed monster in the backfield. It’s too bad ole’ Touchy McCreepy Pants decided to go and pogo a bunch of women, and now the Cheekburgers are missing a key piece to the squad. This team is known for its strict “no touching the talent” policy, and now they are left with an uninspiring outlook at the end of the lineup.

#9 – Anna Apollos

Houston, we have a problem – the Apollos dreams of a championship in 2021 crashed harder than the Challenger Space Shuttle. While the team isn’t in complete shambles, they are currently being propped up by some aging vets that may not have much of a shelf life remaining.

#10 – Chickasaw Chafed Chodes

The Chafed Chodes won’t be competing this season, but the young talent on this team is undeniable. Savvy trades and a few quality picks in the 2021 draft has set this team up to see a $GME-esque ascension next year. #DiamondHands

#11 – St Henry Scallywags

Gross.

#12 – Dayton Doughboys

After tanking for Trevor, the Dayton Doughboys have pieced together a nice young squad that should be able to collect some wins in 2021, however, with an average age of just over 22, there’s a lot riding on inexperienced starters.

#13 – Fairborn Fuckboys

Also gross.

#14 – Burrow of Brooklyn

More like the Burrow of Booty, cuz this squad is ass cheeks. With only 1.5 QBs on the roster, expect this team to struggle again in 2021. On a positive note, there are a few guys who could see breakouts this season.

Wally’s 2021 Season Predictions

Champion

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Sacko

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Most Surprising Team

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Most Disappointing Team