The Gang Drafts Their Asses Off: Part 2 (2023)

By bfaller45 | May 18, 2023

1.01 – Bijan Robinson (ATL, Falcons)

The best prospect in the draft lands in an ideal situation in Atlanta. Although the Falcons are mid at best, HC Arthur Smith LOVES to run the ball and Bijan figures to play into the passing game as well. Look for Allgeier to vulture a few touchdowns though! 

Pre-Draft Pick: Bijan Robinson (No Change)

Projected Depth Chart

  • Bijan Robinson
  • Tyler Allgeier

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.05, 1.06, 1.11, 2.13, 4.02, 4.09

1.02 – Anthony Richardson (IND, Colts)

The Anna Apollos select Anthony Richardson at two after he lands in one of the more ideal situations for his skillset. Shane Steichen has put together quite the resume in developing young QBs (Herbert, Hurts) and Richardson figures to model more after the latter. A definite boom/bust candidate but the boom could potentially be nuclear for a SFLX league. 

Pre-Draft Pick: Anthony Richardson (no change)

Projected Depth Chart

  • Gardner Minshew
  • Anthony Richardson (by week 3)

‘23 Picks: 1.02, 1.03, 2.02, 2.11, 2.14, 3.02, 3.05

1.03 – Bryce Young (CAR – Panthers)

With pick #3, the Anna Apollos continue to address their QB room (Richardson, Goff) with Bryce Young. A very clean QB prospect with only one hangup, his size. If Young’s small stature can hold up in the rigors of the NFL he has potential to be a solid QB with above average passing chops. However, the Apollos might need to be patient with this one as the Panthers roster build is below average with limited offensive weapons.

Pre-Draft Pick: CJ Stroud

Projected Depth Chart

  • Bryce Young
  • Andy “Red Rifle” Dalton

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.03, 2.02, 2.11, 2.14, 3.02, 3.05

?!TRADE!? 1.04 – CJ Stroud (HOU – Texans)

The Gahanna Gargoyles are able to secure a potential franchise QB in CJ Stroud by moving up 6 spots by trading their 1.09 and 1.10 to the Belmont Bukkake in exchange for 1.04, 4.04, and 5.04. Stroud doesn’t offer much on the ground but has shown superb accuracy in the passing game. Much like Bryce Young’s situation, the Gargoyles will need to be patient and let Stroud marinate for a year or two while the Texans continue to build up their roster and acquire more offensive weapons.

Pre-Draft Pick: Bryce Young (Bukkake)

Projected Depth Chart

  • CJ Stroud
  • Case Keenum
  • Davis Mills

‘23 Picks: 1.04, 2.09, 3.04, 4.04, 5.04

1.05 – Jahmyr Gibbs (DET – Lions)

The Wimps bolster their running back room by adding Jahmyr Gibbs with pick #5. Although he will have to share carries/receptions with David Montgomery, Gibbs on the Lions is another ideal situation. Swift, who was no longer with the team, was targeted SEVENTY times in 2022. I project Gibbs to inherit a majority of those targets. 

Pre-Draft Pick: Bryce Young (Bukkake)

Projected Depth Chart

  • David Montgomery
  • Jahmyr Gibbs
  • Craig Reynolds

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.05, 1.06, 1.11, 2.13, 4.02, 4.09, 5.04

1.06 – Jordan Addison (MIN – Vikings)

With an ascending roster, the Wimps make a “win now” pick by selecting Jordan Addison over consensus WR1, Jaxon Smith-Njigba. Addison figures to start opposite Justin Jefferson who will likely be spot lighted on a majority of plays leaving Addison WIDE THE FUCK OPEN.

Pre-Draft Pick: Quentin Johnston

Projected Depth Chart

  • Justin Jefferson
  • Jordan Addison
  • KJ Osborn
  • Jalen Reagor/Nailor

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.05, 1.06, 1.11, 2.13, 4.02, 4.09, 5.04

!TRADE! 1.07 – Will Levis (TEN – Titans)

The Cheekburgers refused to drink the Daniel Jones Kool-Aid and traded him to the Chickasaw Chafed Chodes for 1.07. Questionable? Sure, but who’s to question the most winningest franchise since the conception of Shadynasty’s? The Cheekburgers could go a number of ways here. However, based on their current QB Room (Mac Jones, Fat Stafford), it’s probably going to be Mayo Levis.

Pre-Draft Pick: Will Levis (Chodes)

Projected Depth Chart

  • Ryan Tannehill
  • Will Levis (Will start once Tannehill inevitably gets hurt)
  • Malik Willis

‘23 Picks: 1.07, 3.10, 4.10, 5.07

1.08 – Jaxon Smith-Njigba (SEA – Seahawks)

JSN falls directly into the Bukkake’s lap at 1.08. An easy pick, JSN provides long term upside but will likely be a complementary role player to start his career with Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf getting most of the targets as well as Pete Carrols’s infatuation with the running game. When was the last time a Pete Carroll offense supported 3 fantasy relevant receivers??

Pre-Draft Pick: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (no change)

Projected Depth Chart

  • DK Metcalf
  • Tyler Lockett
  • JSN

‘23 Picks: 1.08, 1.09, 1.10, 2.01, 2.06

1.09 – Zay Flowers ( BAL – Ravens)

The Bukkake have two major reasons to take Zay Flowers at 1.09. 1 – Shares the same name as his 1st born son. 2 – Lamar Jackson stack. It might not happen at 1.09, but it’s going to happen, gang. Flowers is a small, but dynamic player who is a plus route runner and will provide an upgrade next to Rashod Bateman. 

Pre-Draft Pick: Hendon Hooker (Gargoyles)

Projected Depth Chart

  • Rashad Bateman
  • Zay Flowers
  • Odell Beckham Jr./Nelson Agholor/Devin Duverney

‘23 Picks: 1.08, 1.09, 1.10, 2.09, 3.04

1.10 – Quentin Johnston (LAC – Chargers)

See ya later Mike Thomas and Kenny Golladay! The Bukkake continue with their WR youth run by selecting Quentin Johnston out of TCU. The big bodied WR lands in a good situation with Justin Herbert as his QB, the ghost of Keenan Allen, and irreparably damaged Mike Williams. Johnston’s path to target shares is promising. 

Pre-Draft Pick: Michael Mayer (Gargoyles)

Projected Depth Chart

  • Keenan Allen
  • Mike Williams
  • Quentin Johnston

‘23 Picks: 1.08, 1.09, 1.10, 2.09, 3.04

!TRADE! 1.11 – Dalton Kincaid (BUF – Bills)

The Golden Gods chose to deal Mile Sanders to the West Carrollton Wimps for the 1.11 pick. With aging vets and needs across the roster the Golden Gods select Dalton Kincaid. Kincaid finds himself in a high powered offense attached to future HOF’er, Josh Allen. Kincaid gives the Golden Gods a potential high volume TE who will likely provide value for years to come as the Golden Gods navigate through a retooling of their roster.

Pre-Draft Pick: Zach Charbonette (Gargoyles)

Projected Depth Chart

  • Dawson Knox
  • Dalton Kincaid

‘23 Picks: 1.11, 4.01, 4.02, 4.05, 4.08, 5.05

1.12 – Hendon Hooker (DET – Lions)

The Wichsers miss out on the top four QB’s in the draft class. It would probably make sense to trade this pick for a future 1st+ but decide to reach for Hendon Hooker instead. Hooker’s path to playing time has a few hurdles. Hooker will have to overcome an ACL injury, learning a pro-style offense, and beating out Jared Goff to get on the field. However, had Hooker not been hurt, many speculate that he would have been a 1st round pick (drafted in the 3rd). It’s worth a try for the Wichsers reeling roster. 

Pre-Draft Pick: Jordan Addison

Projected Depth Chart

  • Jared Goff
  • Hendon Hooker

‘23 Picks: 1.12, 2.12, 3.03, 3.11, 3.12, 4.03, 4.12, 5.01

1.13 – Michael Mayer (LV – Raiders)

With the top QB’s and WR’s off  the board, the Burrow of Brooklyn selects Michael Mayer which fills their biggest positional need. Although not a flashy player, Mayer should see playing time right away. We should not be surprised if he produces in his rookie season. 

Pre-Draft Pick: Dalton Kincaid

Projected Depth Chart

  • Michael Mayer
  • Austin Hooper
  • OJ Howard

‘23 Picks: 1.13, 3.13, 4.13

1.14 – Zach Charbonnet (SEA – Seahawks)

Shadynasty’s defending champion, the Cucks take a BPA approach to their 1.14 pick by selecting Zach Charbonnet. Charbonnet figures to be the thunder to Kenny Walker’s lightning. Looking at Pete Carroll’s historic use of his RB’s, Charbonnet will likely be fantasy relevant in year one with potential to explode if Kenny can’t stay healthy. 

Pre-Draft Pick: Jalin Hyatt

Projected Depth Chart

  • Kenny Walker
  • Zach Charbonnet
  • DeeJay Dallas/Kenny McIntosh

‘23 Picks: 1.14, 2.05, 3.14