The Gang Drafts Their Asses Off: Part 1 (2023)

By bfaller45 | April 14, 2023

Less than 30-days until the 2023 NFL Draft. DRAFT SEASON IS HERE BOYS!

The dust surrounding the NFL Combine, Pro Days, and Free Agency has mostly settled (sans any Lamar Jackson news) and it’s time to start looking ahead to Season 4 of Shadynasty! The league has an interesting outlook headed into 2023 and the Rookie Draft can surely help shake things up a bit. 

As a precursor, in terms of general consensus value, below is a chart to help get a better understanding where teams are at, and might come in handy as Shadynasty managers evaluate their roster and draft boards. (Data pulled from KTC on 3/29/23 and is based on crowd sourced consensus value).

R1 Draft Cucks

Before we get into our Round 1 mock, let’s cover the cucks, who at this point in time will not be taking part in the first round this year. There seems to be a lot of sorry saps this year that are just gonna have to ‘bate in the corner for this one.

Cuck #1: Dayton Doughboys

 Team Needs: RB, TE, QB

‘23 Picks: 2.03, 2.04, 2.08, 3.05, 3.09, 5.02

Overview: The Doughboys have a well rounded, but young roster that is just waiting to “pop” OR completely bust all over the place. No one really knows!? With 5 picks in the 2nd and 3rd round, the Doughboys will look to find contributors and *try* to remain patient. 

Cuck #2: Mason Minutemen


Team Needs: RB, Depth

‘23 Picks: 2.10, 3.01

Overview: The Minutemen have a very competitive roster with positional strengths at TE and QB. The same can’t be said about their RB room headed by David Stonewall Montgomery. Probably one of the more boring RB’s in fantasy, but effective. Beyond Monty, it’s getting pretty thin. Look for the Minutemen to take a flier on RB’s at 2.10 and 3.01.

Cuck #3: Oakwood Golden Gods

Team Needs: WR, TE, QB

‘23 Picks: 3.08, 4.01, 4.05, 4.08, 5.05

Overview: In 2022, the Oakwood Golden Gods relocated to Vandalia but oddly chose to keep their aforementioned name instead of the obvious, Vandalia Vulva’s. The construction of this team is looking bleak, with the only strength being RB. There’s not much hope elsewhere in terms of long term value, but luckily for the Golden Gods, NFL Free Agency has been forgiving to them at key positions. The Golden Gods are going to need Lady Luck on their side with their late picks, or hope that all the Vegas brothels have Jimmy G playing out of his goddamn mind!

Cuck #4: Wright Patt Chair Force

Team Needs: QB, RB, TE, WR

‘23 Picks: 4.14, 5.06

Overview: Yikes… With only Kirk Cousins and Kirk The Prince of Darkness Cousins at QB it might be time to dial in the codes. Fortunately, for the Chairs, they have some decent value at WR and RB if they so choose to unload for younger players and picks. That being said, this roster still has some solid contributors but do the Chairs want to toil in Dynasty limbo?

Cuck #5: Centerville Cheekburgers

Team Needs: TE, QB, RB

‘23 Picks: 3.10, 4.10

Overview: As the winningest team (68%) since Shadysnasty’s inception, the Cheekburgers still have a competitive roster. Although a low value rating in the QB room, Daniel Jones looks to be on the rebound, MacCorkle has a promising new OC in BoB. Additionally, Stafford is looking to make a return for at least another (partial) season. A deep running back room is getting a little long in the tooth (Henry, Jones, Williams) but are still considered heavy hitters in the fantasy world. As for TE, the Cheekburgers just can’t seem to land a solid contributor at TE. Can this roster pull them over the top so Jim can drink 7’s from the victory trophy?

Cuck #6: St. Henry Skallywags

 

Team Needs: WR, RB, QB

‘23 Picks: 3.06, 4.11, 5.07

Overview: The Skallywags have one of the most procurious rosters in the league. For 3 years straight we’ve ALL been shitting on it. Yet, the Butt Pirates are tied 2nd in all time wins at 65%. It’s owner, Brandon Hoyng, continues to be one of the luckiest MF’ers alive, so I refuse to bet against him. It will be interesting to see if this team can continue its path, or if his roster will finally shit the bed like we’ve all been predicting for years.

Pixelated Pirate Bukkake

Aaarrrrrrrgh Maties, what do we have here!? If you squint your eyes hard enough these two teams are very similar in roster constructions. Through my research, I couldn’t help but notice considering these two owners always seem to have it out for each other.

The Gang Drafts Their Asses Off: Part 1

I should note that this mock is based purely on speculation, taking into account team needs, and unknown landing spots for the QBs and RBs. Things can change quickly, which is why this blog will be followed up with a post NFL Draft submission – The Gang Drafts Their Asses Off: Part 2. 

And with further adieu… I present to you Part 1.

1.01 – Bijan Robinson

The Wimps make a no-brainer pick here in Bijan Mustard Robinson. Not only is Bijan the consensus #1 overall in most dynasty leagues, he’s also a goddamn stud. With an underwhelming RB room led by a recovering Breece Hall and Fat Lenny, the Wimps fill a need and acquire a bonafide STUD. 

Strengths

  • Elite athletic profile
  • Eagle-eye vision 
  • Scheme versatility

Weaknesses

  • Upright runner exposes legs
  • Pass pro could use some work
  • Limited route tree in college

Metrics Comp: Trent Richardson / Marshawn Lynch

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.05, 1.06, 1.11, 2.13, 4.02, 4.09

1.02 – Anthony Richardson

Being a bit of a gambler, the Apollos manager decides to do so on Anthony Richardson with the 2nd pick of the 2023 Rookie Draft. Richardson is an insane athlete at the QB position and has massive upside that would make the average fantasy footballer salivate. With the Apollos current roster, and a plethora of picks this year as well as ‘24, it’s a risk they’re able, and willing to make. 

Strengths

  • Arm talent
  • Out-of-Structure plays
  • Incredible athlete with elite rushing ability
  • Pocket awareness

Weaknesses

  • Throw accuracy
  • Lack of experience

Metrics Comp: Terrell Pryor / Josh Allen

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.03, 2.02, 2.11, 2.14, 3.02, 3.05

1.03 – CJ Stroud

In numerous get-togethers with his constituents, the Mayor of Kettlersville and owner of the Anna Apollos has gone on record saying “OsU qUaRtErbAcks SUK!”. However, this was just nothing but a ploy to get the people off his scent. The Apollos choose physical attributes over intangibles (Bryce Young)  in CJ Stroud.

Strengths

  • Accuracy
  • Timing & Anticipation
  • Manipulates defenders with his eyes
  • Mechanically sound passer

Weaknesses

  • Not good under pressure
  • Unwillingness to run
  • Pocket management
  • Beneficiary of ELITE surrounding talent

Metrics Comp: Deshaun Kizer / Joe Burrow

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.03, 2.02, 2.11, 2.14, 3.02, 3.05

1.04 – Bryce Young

Bukkake would have loved to build on their roster at RB or WR, but is forced to go QB with Bryce Young as their first pick. His QB room is littered with questions. Will Lamar Jackson resign, get traded, or spend the 2023 season on the couch? Kyler Murray is coming off an ACL and is likely spending most of his recovery cashing in Mt. Dew and Doritos rewards for extra CoD XP instead of studying a new playbook. As for Brock Purdy, he’s coming off an elbow surgery, and still has to beat out Trey Lance. Can BAILEY ZAPPE save this team!?

Strengths

  • Excellent placement and accuracy
  • Pocket mobility
  • Fantastic throwing mechanics
  • High Football IQ

Weaknesses

  • Slow trigger, tends to hold onto the ball
  • Will be the smallest QB drafted in the 1st round EVER
  • Deep ball

Metrics Comp: Billy Vegas / Baker Mayfield / Drew Brees

‘23 Picks: 1.04, 1.08, 2.01, 2.06, 4.04, 5.03

1.05 – Jahmyr Gibbs

Having already taken Bijan Robinson with their first pick, the Wimps double down to bolster their RB room with Jahmyr Gibbs. Gibbs is a smaller back who can contribute in the passing game and is a threat to take it to the house every time he touches the ball. He’s likely to be an instant contributor but unlikely to be a true bell cow due to his size and questionable pass pro. 

Strengths

  • Elite athletic profile
  • Dynamic, high IQ runner with good vision
  • Mismatch weapon in the pass game

Weaknesses

  • Pass protection
  • Undersized. Not likely a true bellcow back

Metrics Comp: Duke Johnson / Alvin Kamara

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.05, 1.06, 1.11, 2.13, 4.02, 4.09, 5.04

1.06 – Quentin Johnston

The Wimps decide to add to their WR room with their 3rd pick of the draft. At 6’3” 208lbs and a sub 4.5 40, Quentin Johnston has all the physical traits you want in a starting caliber WR and is likely at or near the top of a lot of NFL teams WR board going into the NFL Draft. The physical traits are worth chasing. 

Strengths

  • Freaky athlete with exceptional size
  • Explosive playmaker
  • Deep threat skillset 
  • Underrated route runner

Weaknesses

  • Limited exposure to press coverage
  • Limited  route tree
  • Point of catch / Body catcher

Metrics Comp: Braylon Edwards / Christian Watson

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.05, 1.06, 1.11, 2.13, 4.02, 4.09, 5.04

1.07 – Will Levis

The Chafed Chodes have a well rounded roster with depth at RB and WR. A weak spot, however, is their QB position with only one viable starter (Trevor Lawrence). The Chafed Chodes are forced to draft a QB here in Will Levis. Overall, the reviews on Levis are mixed but his physical traits are hard to ignore (6’3” 229lbs). Levis is a little bit raw as a prospect, but with the right team, coaching, and scheme he could have a Josh Allen-type trajectory. 

Strengths

  • Big arm
  • Underrated/underutilized as a runner
  • Playmaker
  • Familiar with pro-style offense

Weaknesses

  • Accuracy
  • Inconsistent throwing mechanics
  • Not a good timing passer
  • Deathly fear of milk??
  • Eats Bananas whole
  • Uses Mayo as coffee creamer

Metrics Comp: Jeffery Dahmer / Brady Quinn / Cool Jay Cutler

‘23 Picks: 1.07, 2.07, 3.07, 4.06, 4.07

1.08 – Jaxon Smith-Njigba

What do the Baha Men and Jaxon Smith-Njigba have in common? They’re both one-hit-wonders! But, the Baha Men also sang about letting the dogs out, and that’s exactly what JSN is, a DAWG. JSN isn’t the fastest WR in the draft, but he’s quick as fuck and gets separation on demand. He projects to be a slot machine with a solid plus-floor in fantasy. 

Strengths

  • Silky-smooth route runner
  • Generates separation at will
  • Balance and body control
  • YAC MONSTER

Weaknesses

  • Lack of top end speed
  • Limited catch radius
  • One-year wonder (2021)

Metrics Comp: Rashard Higgins / Robert Woods

‘23 Picks: 1.04, 1.08, 2.01, 2.06, 4.04, 5.04

1.09 – Hendon Hooker

The Gargoyles stick to their “re-tool” approach instead of committing to a rebuild by drafting Hendon Hooker. Some might consider this to be a bit of a reach with other solid pieces still on the board. However, had Hooker not torn his ACL during the latter part of the ‘22 CFB season there’s a good chance he’d be in top 3 QB talks in this coming NFL Draft making this a heads up play by the Gargoyles. Hooker is likely to miss a few games, and might redshirt his rookie season, but long term appeal works for the Gargoyle’s re-tooling strategy. 

Strengths

  • Arm talent
  • Consistent mechanics = accurate passer
  • Decision making
  • Extending plays and rushing upside

Weaknesses

  • Coming from spread offense
  • Rehabbing ACL – will miss games to start career
  • Older prospect at 25 years old

Metrics Comp: Brandon Weeden / 2022 Geno Smith

‘23 Picks: 1.09, 1.10, 2.09, 3.04

1.10 – Michael Mayer

With names like Albert Okwuegbanaum (2nd string), Cameron Brate (FA), and Foster Moreau (cancer) the Gargoyles are forced to draft a TE here and grab the most pro-ready one in a very deep class in Michael Mayer. Mayer lacks athleticism but has above average ball skills. Additionally, Mayer has exceptional blocking skills which gives him inline TE capabilities that will get him on the field day 1. 

Strengths

  • Physical in all assets of the game
  • Tremendous blocker will get him on the field early
  • Exceptional catch point and contested catch ability
  • Zone buster

Weaknesses

  • Not a great athlete
  • Not a great separator 
  • Run after catch (RAC)

Metrics Comp: Gary Barnidge / Jason Witten

‘23 Picks: 1.09, 1.10, 2.09, 3.04

1.11 – Zach Charbonnet

The Wimps are on the board, again…. With an embarrassment of riches, this is more of a luxury pick and helps protect their RB room in case Breece Hall isn’t completely ready for a return. Going BPA, they add more depth to their RB room in Zach Charbonnet. The Wimps could also look to trade down if they’re not in love with any particular player.

Strengths

  • Size/Strength makes him a volume runner
  • Excellent vision
  • Creates beyond his blockers
  • Bellcow candidate 

Weaknesses

  • Average athlete 
  • Pass pro needs some work
  • Upright runner at 2nd level

Metrics Comp: Isaiah “Throw them mf lunchables on the field!” Crowell / Demarco Murray

‘23 Picks: 1.01, 1.05, 1.06, 1.11, 2.13, 4.02, 4.09

1.12 – Jordan Addison

Unfortunately, for the Wichsers, the top QBs in this draft have already been taken, leaving them with just Kenny Pickett and Jordan Lo…. wait, nevermind. Hindsight be titty, titty, right Darren? It might make sense to trade back in the draft, or for better future assets next year. Instead, the Wichsers make a safe pick in Jordan Addison which will hopefully bring long term value to a roster in desperate need.

Strengths

  • Easy separator 
  • Plus athlete
  • RAC
  • High motor

Weaknesses

  • Slender build/lack of play strength 
  • Concentration drops
  • Injury history (ankles/legs)

Metrics Comp: Corey Coleman / Tyler Lockett

‘23 Picks: 1.12, 2.12, 3.03, 3.11, 3.12, 4.03, 4.12, 5.01

1.13 – Dalton Kincaid

2023 surprise team, BoB looks to improve on their starting lineup with the selection of Dalton Kincaid. Kincaid is probably the best pass catcher out of this TE class and is arguably the best route runner at all positions. He can line up anywhere and this will make him a mismatch nightmare for opposing defenses.

Strengths

  • Outrageous ball skills and catch radius
  • Best-in-class route runner
  • Exceptional body control

Weaknesses

  • Undersized
  • Blocking
  • Lacks elite level explosiveness

Metrics Comp:  Kellen Winslow II / Mike Gesicki

‘23 Picks: 1.13, 3.13, 4.13

1.14 – Jalin Hyatt

Shadynasty’s defending champion, the Cucks take a BPA approach to their 1.14 pick by selecting Jalin Hyatt. Although slight in frame, Hyatt has one of the highest ceilings in this class but could amount to nothing more than a boom-or-bust player in the NFL. Landing spot will play a huge role in Hyatt’s future outlook.

Strengths

  • Elite vertical receiving threat (4.40 40yd)
  • Leaping ability provides RZ props
  • Explosive and elusive route running
  • Home run hitter

Weaknesses

  • Undeveloped route tree
  • Slight frame (6’0” 176bs)/limited play strength
  • Ball skills/drops

Comps: Travis Benjamin / Desean Jackson

‘23 Picks: 1.14, 2.05, 3.14