Shadynasty’s 2023 Season Preview

Welcome to my favorite waste of time of the year: the Shadynasty’s Season Preview! This year I’ve included where each team was ranked going into last season, as well as a grade for each position group (Elite, good, average, poor, terrible). Grades examine primarily starter-level talent but also consider depth. We have a massive middle class this year, with twelve teams having a path to the playoffs.

These power rankings are looking at this season only, but will take draft capital into account; while draft capital isnt going to contribute to scoring this year, it can be traded for players who will. All graphs are pulled from FantasyPros League Analyzer tool. Anyone feeling butthurt can send their thoughts to the team at meatspin.com. This is way too long so let’s get started.

Tier 1: The Favorite

1. Belmont Bukkake

Previous preview rank: 4th

Previous season finish: 14th

QB: (Elite) Injuries and contract disputes held back this room last year, and sadly 2023 looks like it might be more of the same. Lamar Jackson is finally healthy and paid, but Kyler Murray is on pace to miss the start of the season with an ACL tear from week 13. With the Cardinals looking like the worst team in the NFL, his future as the Cardinals starting QB may be in jeopardy as well. Kirk Cousins is another QB who may be out of a job as soon as 2024, despite his slightly above average production. Nonetheless, Cousins and Lamar Jackson should be a potent starting combo this year, and anything Murray can give is a bonus. If Murray can keep the Cardinals from the basement and get back to All-Pro form for the fantasy playoffs, this is the best QB room in the league.

RB: (Elite) Christian McCaffry, Jonathan Taylor, and Nick Chubb is a stupid sexy starting trio. (Though the Taylor trade request makes it a little murkier.) Rashaad Penny and Antonio Gibson are rotation backs with some decent upside as well. Maybe the strongest set of starters in the league.

WR: (Elite) While not as top heavy as the RBs, the trio of Diggs, Ridley, and Watson look pretty damn good on paper as well. But the real killer is the depth behind them: Michael Thomas, Treylon Burks, Jordan Addison, Zay Flowers, Chase Claypool. All have some serious breakout potential. Who the fuck let Brent put this collection of young talent together?

TE: (Good) Dallas Godert and Evan Engram are both solid options. Having two startable TEs is more than most teams can say.

Outlook: A worst-to-first season seems to be in the cards for the Bukkake. And who could say Brent doesn’t deserve it after the string of terrible injury luck he has suffered the last two years? No other team is more well equipped to deal with key injuries.It’s safe to say we are all rooting for Brent to finally get the recognition he deserves as a dynamite fantasy manager and competent commissioner. His time has come again. He has the stacked roster to get the job done. This team is truly in a tier of their own and I can’t imagine how anyone can catch them. Congratulations commissioner on your second title in four years!

Tier 2: The Contenders

2. West Carrollton Wimps

Previous preview rank: 2nd

Previous season finish: 10th

QB: (Good) A rock solid unit. Josh Allen has finished as a top 2 QB each of the last three years. Deshaun Watson has moved past his legal troubles and is locked into a starting role for the next several years. Whether Watson can regain his early career form (three straight QB5 finishes) will dictate how far the Wimps can go. Trey Lance may have lost his job to Mr. Irrelevant (fake news) after a major ankle fracture, but certainly some QB-needy NFL team will take a bet on his talent soon.

RB: (Elite) It’s hard to beat the Bukakke’s room, but I think Brent would trade his trio for Bijan, Breece, and Gibbs in a heartbeat. Leaning on rookies to win fantasy championships is a risky bet, but RBs tend to catch on faster than other positions. Miles Sanders is a solid option as well after getting the bag from Carolina. Another sneaky option? Jerrick McKinnon, the most productive fantasy RB on the Chiefs last year (RB22). Jerome Ford and Matt Brieda are key backups, and Evan Hull is an interesting rookie if Taylor is done for the Colts.

WR: (Elite) Receiver was THE strength of this team going into last year, and while they disappointed as a group, they are a major strength again. Ja’Marr Chase is still the man. Davante Adams joins him as another bonafide Alpha, even at 30 years old. Diontae Johnson saw 147 targets last year yet failed to score a touchdown on a poor Pittsburgh offense; it’s fair to expect some positive regression for him. JSN, Josh Downs, and Rashid Shaheed are young players who give some depth and upside to this room as well. No one can compete with the Bukakke’s WR depth, but this group has a higher ceiling.

TE: (Poor) The Achilles Heel of this roster. Greg Dulchich had a promising rookie season for the Broncos when he wasn’t injured, but it’s hard to trust him to put up consistent numbers at this point. Noah Fant continues to disappoint; he is already injured and just had another target hog added to his offense in JSN. Logan Thomas hasn’t been relevant since the 2020 season.

Outlook: This is a fairly young roster with multiple super studs, and yet has a lot of question marks as well. Besides the obvious hole at TE, the Wimps will need multiple young players (Lance, Bijan, Gibbs, JSN, Dulchich) to take that next step forward into fantasy stardom if they want to compete with the Bukakke. With three 1sts and four 2nds in the war chest, expect the Wimps to be aggressive in finding win-now pieces.

3. Mason Minutemen

Previous preview rank: 1st

Previous season finish: 3rd

QB: (Good) Reigning MVP Pat Mahomes is still on this roster, so it’s hard to keep the Minutemen out of the contender tier. But Russel Wilson seems to be on the downswing of his career, finishing as the QB16 for the second straight year after eight straight top 10 finishes. The Broncos are all-in on Wilson so there’s little concern about him getting replaced, but Jerry needs him to return to form if he finally wants to win that title. Hendon Hooker is a rookie on the Taxi who may get some run late in the year if Goff struggles for Detroit. Otherwise, Jerry is playing the waiver wire for QB scraps.

RB: (Average) I would be pissing my pants if I was trying to win the title with this RB group. Alvin Kamara is still the star of this group, but we somehow still have no idea if and when he will get suspended from a Feb ’22 incident. The Saints seem worried, giving Jamaal Williams a big contract and drafting Kendre Miller in the 3rd round. David Montgomery got paid by the Lions, but then they drafted Jahmyr Gibbs with the 12th pick. Projecting him to repeat Jamaal Williams 2022 season feels like a mistake, though he should still be a decent starter. Kareem Hunt remains unsigned. Chase Brown is a rookie who was coveted for his situation more than his talent, but it doesn’t look like Mixon is leaving CIN for this year at least. Ty Montgomery and Kevin Harris will be fighting for scraps in NE’s backfield. There is a path to really good production out of this group, but it feels like a longshot at this point.

WR: (Elite) While it’s still one of the best groups in the league, they are starting to lose their shine. Tyreek Hill is once again under investigation by the NFL, though he’s still a top 5 WR when he plays. DK Metcalf has as much target competition as any “Alpha” in the NFL. Speaking of target competition, Brandon Aiyuk will try to break 1,000 yards again with Deebo, Kittle, and McCaffrey all soaking up targets. Mike Evans gets to enjoy the Baker Mayfield experience for the foreseeable future. Jakobi Meyers is no longer a #1 option after signing with LV, though having Adams draw coverage may help him soak up the short targets from Jimmy G. Devante Parker has a chance to carve out a significant role in NE as well, though it’s a long shot.

TE: (Elite) Kelce and Andrews on the same team remains unfair.

Outlook: The Goliath of Shadynastys is finally showing some weakness. There’s still a ton of star power on this roster, so the ceiling is very high. But age, character concerns, and changing team situations have the Minutemen slowly trending in the wrong direction. The silver lining is that Jerry finally has some draft capital to work with again: Delzeith’s ’24 2nd, and all of his picks from 2025 forward. Will he look to move these picks for another win-now piece like in past years? Jerry’s reluctance to move draft capital so far this off-season speaks volumes about where he sees his roster longevity. This team is as dangerous as any; however, the Minutemen are no longer in a class of their own.

Tier 3 : The “Finally-Ready-To” Contenders

4. Chickasaw Chafed Chodes

Previous preview rank: 10th

Previous season finish: 8th

QB: (Good) A group with a lot of upside and a lot of risk. Trevor Lawrence looked like the #1 overall pick we expected last year and should be a cornerstone of the Chodes for a long time. Daniel Jones and Sam Howell are another story. Danny Dimes finished as the QB9 last year en route to a huge four-year extension, which was surprising given his shaky previous three years. Can he maintain that pace moving forward? Kevin certainly thinks so. Howell is a 3rd round pick who looks to be in line for a starting job this year, but I’m not buying it. Ron Rivera is not the type to put up with a young QB’s mistakes, so if he struggles early, don’t be surprised to see Brissett lining up under center for the Commies.

RB: (Elite) Saquon, Etienne, and Rhamondre are one hell of a starting trio. The latter two are third-year backs that will still have to prove they deserve the major workloads they are projected for, but those are bets most of us would be happy to make. Damien Harris is an interesting flex play, though his role in Buffalo is still TBD. Michael Carter and Tank Bigsby will be very attractive options if injuries strike Breece Hall or ETN (both solid bets given recent history).

WR: (Average) This group is just fine. DJ Moore and Michael Pittman both project to be the #1 option on run-first offenses. Chark, Gallup, JAMO, Dotson, and Rondale Moore should all have a few boom weeks, though good luck trying to guess when to start them.

TE: (Good) TJ Hockenson finished as the TE2 last year, but that feels like an anomaly, especially with Jordan Addison getting added to that offense. Still, he is one of the stronger starting options in the league. Trey McBride is going to get a chance to break out with Zach Ertz on the PUP to start the season. Juwan Johnson and Donald Parham are true desperation starts.

Outlook: After years of toiling in mediocrity, the Chodes are finally poised to do some real damage. This roster is young and deep with loads of projectable upside, and has as good a shot as any to give Brent a run for his money. If you are looking for an example of how to build a dynasty roster from scratch, look no further. This team is set up to be dangerous for a long time.

5. Dayton Doughboys

Previous preview rank: 9th

Previous season finish: 12th

QB: (Good) A very young group with plenty of upside. Justin Fields flashed his rushing chops last year with 1140 yards, despite continuing to struggle with passing. There’s plenty of reason to expect a year three leap for Fields in Chicago. Tua Tungolavulva was in the midst of his own year-three breakout before a series of head injuries. Even with a lack of rushing production, Tua is a solid fantasy QB and a dark horse to lead the NFL in passing in 2023. Jordan Love rounds out the room as a first year starter on the Packers. Expectations are low for Love, but the Doughboys shouldn’t need him much unless the injury bug strikes.

RB: (Good) This group lacks star power but has a lot of solid depth. Javonte Williams has the best shot at a breakout season but is just now getting back on the field after knee surgery, so it’s fair to expect the Broncos to work him in slowly. James Cook, Brian Robinson, and Rachaad White are all young backs with questionable talent but a clear runway to lots of touches for the first time in their careers. Fournette and Achane do not have clear runways to touches, but either could put up big points if the opportunity arises.

WR: (Good) Another really strong group. Ceedee Lamb is the star here and should get all the targets he can handle. Drake London, Jerry Jeudy, and Rashod Bateman might be the #1 option on their respective teams, but still need to prove they are worthy of that title. Skyy and Elijah Moore (no relation) are strong candidates to break out, and Darnell Mooney is a solid low-end flex play as well. This could be the best WR group in the league by this time next year. Or, they all struggle and get injured again. Coin flip, really.

TE: (Good) Kyle Pitts is coming off a disappointing sophomore season that ended with a MCL sprain. We all know the potential, but can he put it all together in this run-heavy offense? Daniel Bellringer and Tyler Conklin inspire little confidence behind Pitts.

Outlook: Young, deep, and underwhelming thus far. The Doughboys have as high a ceiling as any team here. But titles are not won on potential, and it’s time for this team to actually produce. What’s the move if they struggle out of the gate again this season? With all of his own 1sts and 2nds and all of this young potential, I’m not sure Zer can keep himself from cashing some of this value in for more elite, win-now producers. The dream, of course, is to watch all these young players blossom into stars together to dominate for the next five years. The reality might be a little messier. Regardless, the great tank of 2020 is fully in the rearview. Winning time is now.

Tier 4: The Sleeping Giant

6. Anna Apollos

Previous preview rank: 12

Previous season finish: 7th

QB: (Average) The Apollos completely changed the look of their QB room in the draft, spending the 1.02 and 1.03 on Anthony Richardson and Bryce Young. Young looks penciled in as the Week 1 starter in Carolina, while the less experienced Richardson may need to wait for his opportunity. Rookie QBs tend to struggle so it’s fair to keep expectations low this season. But if both hit? This team could be set at QB for a LOOOONG time. Jared Goff will fill in for Richardson in the meantime. Despite finishing as the QB10 last year, we all are aware of his limitations as a fantasy QB. Detroit is saying all the right things, but I’m dubious. Don’t be surprised if the Lions move on from Goff as soon as the opportunity appears, ala the Browns and Baker Mayfield.

RB: (Poor) Cam Akers, Alexander Mattison, Kahlil Herbert, Kendre Miller, Eric Gray, Zamir White. That’s the entire group. The first three are at least startable, but this room lacks upside, longevity, and depth. Some work is needed here, but it is possible that this group performs well enough to keep the team afloat.

WR: (Good) Lacking in star talent, but plenty of depth here. Tee Higgins and Devonta Smith are #2 options for two of the best offenses in the league. Hollywood Brown was promoted to WR1 on the Cardinals by default, though that offense might be terrible. Thielen, Renfrow, and Zay Jones are vets with some flex appeal, while Alec Pierce and Marvin Mims are young guys with Day 2 draft capital looking to carve out roles for themselves. Again, a group that’s lacking in league-winning upside.

TE: (Good) The deepest TE room in the league and it’s not close. Kincaid, Schultz, Chig, and Higbee all have a bid to start for this team. I’m not sure who the best option is at this point (and neither does Eric), but it’s possible one of them separates themselves from the pack early on en route to a top 5 season.

Outlook: Looking at this roster’s lack of top-end talent, I’m sure there are a few guys getting pissy and making a case to themselves that their team should be ranked ahead of the Apollos. And I get it. But there is a big reason this is my pick for the last playoff team: draft capital. The Apollos are holding both Caleb’s and Scott’s 24 1sts (more on these two later) as well as all of his own picks. My gut tells me that he plans to make these picks next summer in a stacked ’24 class. But what if a couple early injuries break his way? What if one of these rookie QBs breaks out in a big way? What if Caleb or Scott start out 0-4 and decide they want their pick back? No team can match the Apollos in trade chips for a potential tanker. There is plenty of projectable upside for this team, and Vito is holding all the cards to the point where he can’t really lose. 2023 may not be his year, but this team is going to be a force sooner rather than later.

Tier 5: The Pretenders

7. St. Henry Scallywags

Previous preview rank: 7th

Previous season finish: 4th

QB: (Average) Justin Herbert is the superstar here, even despite the slightly disappointing QB11 finish last season. A lack of rushing production (to go along with a paltry 25 passing TDs) stand out from his exceptional first two years. Still, there’s all the reason in the world to expect a bounceback year. Aaron Rodgers, meanwhile, is a different beast. His QB13 finish was the worst of his career while playing every game, and now he goes to a dumpster-fire offense on the Jets. Much like Wilson on the Broncos last season, Rodgers is expected to automatically fix every problem. Despite all the attention this team gets, be ready for a disappointing league-average year from the 39 year old. Zach Wilson and Stetson Bennett round out this room, and God help Brandon if he needs to start either.

RB: (Good) A borderline elite group on paper, but I have my reservations. Tony Pollard has been one of the NFLs most efficient backs the last two years, and now he has Dallas’s backfield all to himself. Can he hold up to an increased workload? Will the Cowboys commit to him after this year? Joe Mixon was a toxic asset for a few weeks this off-season, but with a suspension apparently not in the cards and a restructured contract that will pay him less but keep him tied to the high-powered CIN offense through next year, he should continue to be an above average option. Both James Conner and Dameon Pierce avoided getting replaced, but their ceilings are capped on poor offenses. Cordarrell Patterson and DeWayne McBride have some upside should injury occur. Deon Jackson has a path to relevance if Taylor is done in Indianapolis.

WR: (Average) Cooper Kupp missed the back half of last season with a high ankle sprain at 30 years old, and the Rams might be transitioning to a rebuild this year. Nonetheless, Kupp should feast on targets, even if he doesn’t match the pace of his previous two years. After him, things get dicey. Mike Williams is a solid starter, but has only broken 100 targets once in six years and now has some additional competition in Quentin Johnston. OBJ, Corey Davis, Curtis Samuel, and DPJ provide some depth and a little upside, though all are low-end flex options until they can prove otherwise. 

TE: (Good) George Kittle and David Njoku make for a pretty damn solid set of TEs. Better than most.

Outlook: This is a pretty dangerous set of starters on paper. I could see at least five of these guys (Herbert, Rodgers, Pollard, Kupp, Kittle) finishing top 5 in their position and carrying Brandon to the title. There are a couple of reasons for doubt though. First, the depth is a little weak. No third QB, uninspiring options at WR, and outside of maybe Dwayne McBride, no backup RBs that can walk into a big role with one injury. A couple of strong FA bids on the right guys could solve this problem, though. The second issue is related but more long term: roster fragility. So many of these starters feel like they could lose a lot of value very quickly, whether through age (Rodgers/Kupp/Conner/Mixon) or contract (Pollard/Williams) or just getting replaced by a bigger name next year (Pierce/any of the bench WRs). Most would agree this team has felt like they have overachieved nearly every year so far, yet things keep breaking right. This ranking probably feels like I’m overlooking them once again, but make no mistake: this might be the year that breaks right for the Scallywags all the way to the final.

8. Centerville Cheekburgers

Previous preview rank: 5th

Previous season finish: 5th

QB: (Average) This room is looking a little rough. Matt Stafford, Mac Jones, and CJ Stroud are all pocket passers on teams that are not expected to finish above .500. Stafford has shown some elite upside and is only a year removed from a QB5 finish, but injuries and roster atrophy make that season seem like ancient history. Still, having three viable starters should keep the Cheekburgers’ ship afloat.

RB: (Good) Having a one-two punch of Derrick Henry and Aaron Jones is exactly how you become the winningest franchise in league history. Both should still be high level options for this season. Jim has some decent depth behind them, with Dalvin Cook, AJ Dillon, and Jamaal Williams all projecting to have some kind of role this year, though they may need an injury to have more than low-end flex appeal.

WR: (Good) Henry and Jones may be the core of all those wins, but getting JJett with a late 1st remains one of the best picks and value adds this league has seen. Jim has some decent depth behind him with Hopkins, Kirk, Juju, and Lazard all offering flex appeal.

TE: (Poor) Zach Ertz is starting the year off injured, and there isn’t another 1st-string TE in this group. Big yikes; this group is borderline terrible.

Outlook: Jim has three players with the ability to carry this team to the playoffs by themselves. There is also a history and culture of winning in this franchise that shouldn’t be ignored. They have enough depth to make them a tough out every week, and also lack the incentive to tank after trading their 1st for CJ Stroud. But with a decline on the horizon for his stud RBs, it’s possible that this team craters into mediocrity this season. I know he has title aspirations, but Jim better hope his vets can at least hold their value into next year. If not, it may be a long road back to relevance for the Cheekburgers.

Tier 6: Overachievers Holding Their Own 1st Round Pick

9. Cassella Cucks

Previous preview rank: 6th

Previous season finish: 1st

QB: (Average) Dak is the headliner here and should be a fine starter, but a hesitation to run following his devastating leg injury puts a cap on his projections. Couple that with the terrible Mike McCarthy taking over play calling in Dallas and a top 10 QB finish feels optimistic. It gets worse from here. Ryan Tannehill may be on his way out of Tennessee (and possibly a starting gig), while Brock Purdy is probably(?) the starter and should(?) be ready for week one. Purdy was uber-efficient in his  eight starts last year, despite low passing volume and minimal rushing. Can he replicate that efficiency? Color this writer skeptical.

RB: (Average) With only two starting RBs on the roster, describing this room as “average” feels generous. But Josh Jacobs has earned his respect after leading the league in rushing last season with 1,650 yards and a healthy 12 TDs. The Raiders didn’t add any real competition behind him, and with only one year left on his contract (which he hasn’t signed yet) they are inclined to help him repeat that performance. JK Dobbins is the other starter and not nearly as worthy of respect. He had four 13+ point games last year despite looking rather gimpy, but the Ravens have a bevy of talented backs behind him, likely as insurance if he isn’t back to his rookie year form (RB23). This roster has a handful of rotation backs (Roschon Johnson, Melvin Gordon, Jaylen Warren, Jeff Wilson, and the infamous CEH) who should hopefully be able to fill in the gaps when the top two can’t play. And that might be a lot if Josh Jacobs holds out, ala Le’veon Bell.

WR: (Average) A.J. Brown led the Eagles with nearly 1,500 yards and 11 TDs, good for WR6. He shouldn’t have a problem repeating that performance this season. After Brown, it gets a little shaky. Chris Godwin is about to take a ride on the Baker Mayfield Express, destination unknown. Brandon Cooks gives a nice stack with Dak, but he turns 30 this season and I’ve already expressed my concerns with McCarthy. Kadarius Toney is good for about eight games a year and is already hurt. Mingo is a rookie, Robert Woods is probably washed, and Terrace Marshall is not going to be a thing so stop trying to make it happen. This group has a path to great production, but I’m dubious.

TE: (Good) Darren Waller might be the #1 target on his new team but has failed to stay healthy the past two seasons. Luckily, the Cucks have depth. Gerald Everett and Cole Kmet are both solid, if not touchdown dependent, backups. Jelani Woods also offers upside as an athletic 2nd year player on a weak Colts depth chart.

Outlook: The Cucks had been one of the better teams over the past three years, so it wasn’t surprising to see them take the title. They deserved it. That said, I think it’s fair to say they overachieved a bit in a curiously soft playoffs. 126 points per playoff game is the lowest average for a league winner, while an average of 97 points against per game would be the fewest for a league winner by over 25 points! The McCaffrey trade felt like an admission that this roster is not equipped to make another deep run, even if the owner doesn’t realize it. I expect a playoff push early, but if the first few weeks don’t break Seigrist’s way, a quick roster reset may be the way to go.

10. The Burrow of Brooklyn

Previous preview rank: 11th

Previous season finish: 2nd

QB: (Average) Joe Burrow is a capital-s Stud and should be a lock for a top 10 finish, especially if he can match his career high 76 rushing attempts from last year. His recent calf strain has me thinking that might be a stretch. Malik Willis was presumably replaced by Will Levis for backup duties in Tennessee. Which leaves the Burrow of Brooklyn with whoever starts out of Ridder and Mariota in Atlanta (** Mariota is in Philly – Fuzz confirmed donkey brains **). And given the Falcons allergy to passing the ball, both players’ ceilings are rather capped. An extended injury absence to Burrow could leave this group as one of the worst in the league.

RB: (Average) A few months ago Najee Harris and Kenneth Walker would have been one of the more potent duos in the league. Najee is healthier and will still get all the volume he can handle, but it may not mean much on an anemic Pittsburgh offense. And Walker is now sharing a backfield with two rookie draft picks, including 2nd rounder Zach Charbonnet. Devin Singletary, Zach Moss, and Kenneth Gainwell inspire little confidence but have some injury upside. Sean Tucker and Deuce Vaughn are two interesting late-round rookies who could carve out roles in uncertain backfields, and Squirt may need the boost.

WR: (Average) Again, a position group with a couple of studs and a lot of question marks. Waddle and ARSB are both young, proven producers and easy starts. Terry McLaurin is a little older but should still be an every week starter. After that trio we’re looking at dudes like Tyler Boyd and Parris Campbell.

TE: (Poor) A wealth of options, none of them good.  Mayer looks like the best choice at the moment, but rookie TEs are notorious for starting slow. Hayden Hurst is a sneaky option after signing to a poor depth chart in Carolina as well.

Outlook: This team has a great core of studs but a sharp decline in talent backing them up. The fantasy season is unpredictable and having this little depth can lead to a disappointing season very quickly when the injury bug bites. We saw the ceiling of this team last year when they lost in the finals, but I’m not counting on another miracle season here. Squirt isn’t one to make big swings and I expect him to ride out the season with this core intact while finishing middle of the pack and far away from contention.

Tier 7: Delusional Wild Cards Lacking Their Own 1st Round Pick

11. Gem City Titties

Previous preview rank: 13th

Previous season finish: 9th

QB: (Good) This group is the main reason the Titties aren’t in the Tanking tier. Jalen Hurts solidified himself as an elite dynasty QB last year. Geno Smith similarly exceeded expectations in 2022, finishing as the QB5 and getting a lovely three year extension with starter money. Can they both keep up that pace in 2023? Will Levis and Matt Coral will get to sit on the Taxi and allow Scott to pick up another QB on waivers as well.

RB: (Poor) as a description feels like I’m being nice. Swift and Perine both look like rotation backs at this point, though Swift at least has a chance at taking over the bulk of the touches in that potent Eagles offense. Travis Homer, Julius Chestnut, and Latavius Murray make up the entire rest of the group. Not great, Bob.

WR: (Average) This rating could move up to Good very quickly if Quentin Johnston is a rookie breakout. Garrett Wilson and Amari Cooper are both the #1 option on their teams, and Tyler Lockett is perpetually outproducing his projections. Rashee Rice is an interesting rookie, and Tim Patrick should have the inside track to the #3 role in Denver.

TE: (Poor) Dawson Knox was presumably knocked to a blocking TE in BUF, Sam LaPorta is a rookie, and Hooper and Moreau are barely rosterable at this point. Unless LaPorta is an absolute stud, it’s going to be TD roulette for this spot every week.

Outlook: Scott, welcome to Shadynastys buddy! You inherited a roster that the previous owner refused to press the total rebuild button on last offseason, and then watched as Hurts, Geno, and Wilson all blossomed into studs. It was good enough to get him to 9th. This roster ain’t it bud; not this year. Yeah, I can see everything breaking right for this team again (Swift and Johnston and LaPorta explosions, a great FA RB pickup) and that being enough to get you to the playoffs. I can’t rule it out. But it doesn’t look likely. A rebuild looks like the best option for you right now for one big reason: ALMOST NO ONE ELSE IS DOING IT. I count two teams that are actively rebuilding, with most everyone else in a massive middle class. Kudos for holding off on any major moves while you are learn the dynasty game, but I think a fire sale is the way to go. Of course, Nick sold your ’24 1st (along with two other 1sts and a 2nd jfc) for Dalvin Cook two years ago. So, you know, good luck with whatever direction you take this team.

12. Oakwood Golden Gods

Previous preview rank: 8th

Previous season finish: 11th

QB: (Poor) This is a confusing group with both limited upside and longevity. Derek Carr is the best of the bunch, but he’s 32 years old and in a new situation in New Orleans. He signed a massive four year deal and has probably the best weapons of his career, but last season makes me think his middling career may be on the downswing. Jimmy G is replacing him in Las Vegas and is the definition of a stop-gap QB, though he should put up decent passing numbers for at least this year. The winner of the QB battle in Tampa (Baker, Trask) will round out this room.  All of this adds up to a group who can maybe keep the ship afloat, but the rest of the roster will have to drive it forward. Does Caleb have that kind of talent? Let’s find out!

RB: (Average) Having Austin Ekeler helps a lot, but this room is pretty poor. Pacheco is the next best option, but his role and skill set keep his projections pretty low. Elijah Mitchell and Raheem Mostert are similar options: rotation backs on good offenses. After those four, it’s slim pickings.

WR: (Average) Keenan Allen and Deebo Samuel are a pretty decent starting pair; both have histories of top 10 finishes in recent memory. Cortland Sutton and Gabe Davis are interesting boom/bust options with breakout potential. Romeo Doubs is a rare young option for this team with some upside in a murky situation. After those five, it gets ugly.

TE: (Poor) A couple of options, none of them good. Mike Gesiki has flashed potential (two TE9 or better seasons), but is in a new situation in New England with a notoriously finicky coach. Luke Schoonmaker is a 2nd round pick in a wide open TE room in Dallas, but is already hurt and may miss the start of the season. Brevin Jordan is young and athletic, but is behind Dalton Schultz in Houston. If Gesicki doesn’t catch on quickly, this room is going to be painful.

Outlook: There is a path to the playoffs for this team, but it’s honestly a long shot. This team is lacking in both top end talent and depth, so the margin for error is razor thin. This team is also lacking their 1st round pick, making a rebuild unattractive. However, unlike the Titties, the Golden Gods don’t have the value insulator of youth working for them. If Caleb goes for the title this year and falls short (and maybe well short), he could see his top assets bleed value badly. The middle option is to sell off what assets he can for picks and/or young players and ride it out to next season, where he will have more options to take his team. The full measure, though, might be the best one: the Logger route. Full scorched earth. Get on two knees and beg Vito for your pick back, and give up your best players to do it. It’s a tough road ahead for Oakwood and I don’t envy it.

Tier 8: The Tanker

13.  Wiesbaden Wischers

Previous preview rank: 14th

Previous season finish: 13th

QB: (Terrible) Kenny Pickett leads this group despite the ugly 7-9 TD-INT ratio in his rookie season. It’s fair to expect some improvement here, and the Steelers have some weapons to help that process. Outside of Kenny, we’re looking at Jameis Winston, Mike White, and Browns 5th round pick Dorian Thompson-Robinson. If I set the over/under at 3.5 combined starts between these guys, would anyone take the over?

RB: (Terrible) You could make a case for Charbonnet, but I don’t see a single lead back in this group. Tyler Allgeire and Gus Edwards should get enough work to be low-end flex options, but it’s going to take a lot of injuries to make this group look attractive.

WR: (Poor) Chris Olave is an actual young stud, and George Pickens and Nico Collins have some slight upside as second and third year receivers. Outside of those three, there isn’t anyone who inspires confidence. Three startable players at the league’s deepest position? Yikes.

TE: (Good) Pat Friermuth AND Luke Musgrave? This is actually one of the most exciting young TE groups in Shadynastys! A lone bright spot, though neither is going to set the league on fire this year.

Outlook: I hesitate to even put the Wischers in the Tanker tier, because I’m not sure they are trying to tank. Dropping Jordan Love in favor of Mike White? Trading the ’22 2.01 (Rachaad White) AND a 3rd for Sam Darnold and Melvin Gordon? This team has had one move go bad after another, especially when it comes to picking QBs. The good news is that Darren finally owns his own 1st this year (for now), and this draft has two generational talents at QB. He may finally fall ass backwards into a stud QB; that is, if another team doesn’t swoop in and try to take the 1.02 from under him with their own tank job. Unfortunately for any would-be tankers, the 1.01 is already locked up by…

Tier 9: Scorched Earth

14. WrightPatt Chairforce

Previous preview rank: 3rd

Previous season finish: 6th

QB: (Terrible) Bailey Zappe is this team’s best shot at points this season. Enough said.

RB: (Terrible) Isaiah Spiller and Ke’Shawn Vaughn are this team’s best shot at points. Enough said.

WR: (Terrible) Wan’Dale Robinson and Cedric Tillman are this team’s best shot at points. Enough said.

TE: (Terrible) Turd Ferguson is this team’s best shot at points. You get the idea.

Outlook: Has any team taken the tank this far before? Zer came the closest during the inaugural season, but this team is a different beast. Not only does Logger have the 1.01 virtually locked up already, I don’t think anyone could catch him if they tried! I have to applaud his commitment both to winning the title last year and to having the most dog shit team this year. Few have the balls to make the all-in moves that the Chairforce have. Logger, I salute you. Enjoy those Caleb Williams highlights buddy. Thanks for the $50.