Baby Zay’s 2023 Rookie Mock Draft

I was hungover on a Sunday morning, and Isaiah was being a maniac. Toys were being thrown everywhere, and Sarah had left the house to do what she does best – spend money on shit we don’t need at Target. I had the NFL combine on, but it was the offensive linemen, which was only adding to my growing feeling of despair.

Zay chucked a toy cow at me, and suddenly I was struck with inspiration. I looked around the room, and no longer saw a mess of toys, rather a pool of rookies waiting to be drafted. I drug my dehydrated ass over to the kitchen and grabbed a fist full of Ibuprofen, a liquid IV, some tape, and a pen.

Sorting through the mess of toys, I came to realize I could split them by position groups…

• QBs = Farm Animals
• RBs = Cars
• WRs = Trucks
• TEs = Dinosaurs

I lined them up at random, and put Isaiah on the other side of the room. As he made his way over to the lineup of toys/rookies, a faint sound could be heard…

… which was quickly followed up by an assembly of “Boo’s!”. Isaiah knew that this was serious, and broke out into a downward facing dog pose in order to prepare himself for the excitement that was about to ensue. The pressure was mounting, and everyone around to witness this moment (me) held their breaths as the overwhelming anticipation (hangover sinusitus) grew.

Gentlemen, I now present to you – Baby Zay’s 2023 Rookie Mock Draft!

Pick 1.01 (Fuzz) – Jahmyr Gibbs, RB

An absolute STUNNER to kick things off. Bijan is the consensus 1.01 in SF drafts this year, yet the pick here is Jahmyr Gibbs. Could this truly happen? We’ve seen major stock bumps/busts based on landing spots in the past (ie, CEH and JT), but I’m not so sure Gibbs is close enough to Bijan at this point. In addition to this, Fuzz has already stated that Bijan is pick 1.01, and I believe the rule is “no takesy-backsies”.

Jahmyr Gibbs is a dynamic playmaker with great speed and elusiveness. While he may not have the size to be a workhorse back, he has the potential to contribute in a variety of ways as a runner, receiver, and pass protector. His ability to create big plays and contribute on special teams make him an intriguing prospect for NFL teams.

A bold pick to start things off.

Pick 1.02 (Vito) – Zach Charbonnet, RB

Another RB not named Bijan! The Apollos could certainly use some help at RB, so this makes some sense if you squint hard enough.

Zach Charbonnet is a bruising back who can wear down defenses with his physical style of play. He has the ability to contribute as a runner, receiver, and pass protector, and his toughness and durability make him an attractive prospect for NFL teams. However, his limited elusiveness and agility may limit his ability to make big plays in the open field, and he will need to work on improving his ball security and pass-catching skills to become a more complete back at the next level.

This kid doesn’t give a fuck about your draft board.

Pick 1.03 (Vito) – Bryce Young, QB

As you can see, Zay was pretty excited about this selection. Bryce Young goes to the Apollos at 1.03 as the first QB off the board, which is good value for the top quarterback prospect in a Superflex draft.

Bryce Young is a highly talented quarterback with excellent accuracy and mobility. He has the ability to make plays both with his arm and his legs and has shown great poise in pressure situations. His leadership qualities and work ethic are also highly regarded. However, his lack of experience as a starter and his size may be concerns for some teams, and he will need to work on improving his mechanics and decision-making to become a more complete quarterback at the next level.

Pick 1.04 (Brent) – CJ Stroud, QB

Back to back QBs – and good ones, at that. CJ Stroud is clearly one of the top passers in the draft, and Zay didn’t hesitate to take him with the next selection. The Bukkake could certainly use a solid 3rd QB, as they have lost each of their starters due to injuries over the past two seasons.

Stroud is a solid quarterback with a strong arm and good mobility. He has shown the ability to make big plays down the field and has good pocket presence. His hesitation to tuck the ball and run may cap his fantasy upside, but CJ seems to be one of the better pure passers we’ve seen in a few years.

Pick 1.05 (Fuzz) – Bijan Robinson, RB

Well, well, well… how the mighty have fallen. Seems to me that Fuzz would be a complete dumbass (potentially even has donkey brains???) if he reached on Bijan at 1.01 when he could clearly have him at 1.05.

Bijan Robinson is an outstanding athlete with exceptional speed, agility, and balance. He has the ability to make big plays both as a runner and receiver, and he is willing to contribute in pass protection. His high football IQ and work ethic make him an attractive prospect for NFL teams. It’s difficult to pinpoint many downsides to his game.

Pick 1.06 (Fuzz) – Josh Downs, WR

Another stunner – Josh Downs is the first WR off the board at 1.06! If I remember correctly, it was around the time of this pick that the room suddenly began to smell, and a quick intermission for a diaper change was needed. I don’t think Zay would be the only one shitting himself if the Wimps took Downs as the first WR.

Josh Downs is a dynamic playmaker with excellent speed and agility, capable of making big plays both as a receiver and a returner. Downs has good hands and route-running ability, and is projected to be a mid-round pick in the draft with potential to develop into a starting NFL wide receiver. However, his size and limited experience as a primary target may be concerns for some teams.

Pick 1.07 (Kevin) – Jaxon Smith-Njigba, WR

I’m pretty sure Zay was sleeping during JSN’s 347 yards and 3 TD performance in the 2021 College Football Playoffs, so perhaps that’s the reason he’s selecting him after Downs? I suspect the Chodes would be thinking QB here, but they may be tempted by JSN’s upside.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba is a skilled receiver with excellent route-running ability and good hands. He has the ability to make tough catches in traffic and is a threat after the catch with his elusiveness and speed. His size and physicality make him a valuable asset in contested catch situations, and he has the potential to contribute as a returner on special teams. His lackluster top end speed, however, has many wondering how well his game will translate and if he is capable of playing outside of the slot.

Pick 1.08 (Brent) – Anthony Richardson, QB

Welp, Sarah came home and completely fucked everything up by distracting our draft guru… what a bitch. After a brief intermission, Isaiah made his way back to the player pool and selected Anthony Richardson, which takes QB #3 off the board. This gives the Beavercreek Bukakke a QB cap problem, but fuck it.

Richardson is an outstanding athlete with exceptional speed and agility for a quarterback, along with a strong arm and good accuracy on intermediate and deep passes. He has the physicality and decision-making skills to succeed at the next level. However, he has limited experience as a starter at the college level and needs to work on improving his consistency and accuracy on shorter passes. He also needs to improve his mechanics and footwork in the pocket, and avoid relying too heavily on his athleticism.

Pick 1.09 (Nick) – Kayshon Boutte, WR

This one’s a bit spicy, and perhaps Daddy’s fault for even including him in the first round mock, as Kayshon Booty goes 1.09 to the Gargoyles.

As a true freshmen, Boutte immediately emerged as a major contributor, topping Terrace Marshall for the team leader in receiving yards in 3 less games played. His following season was cut short due to an ankle injury, but he certainly left an impression, and the hype for him was at full force. In 2022, however, we saw a different Kayshon Boutte, posting a 48-538-2 stat line in 11 games. This, in combination with a piss-poor combine and character concerns, have him slipping down the draft board.

Pick 1.10 (Nick) – Jordan Addison, WR

At this point we were struggling to get Isaiah to select a player (grab a new toy), and he’s getting a bit grumpy. The Gargoyles somewhat solidify their WR room with Jordan Addison. With a couple of vets approaching their end of life, this will hopefully give Nick a couple of cornerstone WRs for years to come.

Jordan Addison is one of the top receiver prospects in this class, possessing a strong route-running ability and excellent hands. He has the ability to make tough catches in traffic and is a threat after the catch with his elusiveness and speed. The main concern with his game is lack of size, standing at 5’11” and weighing 173lbs. Just imagine Beaner’s body on an NFL field…

Pick 1.11 (Fuzz) – Quentin Johnston, WR

The trucks (WRs) are hot! The Wimps can’t help but drool over his size and athletic profile, and grab QJ with their next selection.

Quentin Johnston is a talented receiver with excellent size and physicality, good speed and agility, and excellent hands. He has decent route-running ability and the ability to make tough catches in traffic. His elusiveness and speed after the catch make him a threat in the open field. If you take a look at his highlights, you’re sure to come across his patented curl route followed with a nasty spin move that allows him to rapidly burst down the field. All of these positive things to say, yet he COMPLETELY disappeared in the national championship game when faced with strong competition. Will he do the same vs NFL corners?

Pick 1.12 (Darren) – Devon Achane, RB

The team across the pond have many holes to fill in their roster, so an undersized RB makes sense to Zay! The Wichsers select Devon Achane with pick 1.12.

Achane has been on the Dynasty communities’ radar since last season. His short area quickness and blazing fast speed have some reminiscing on the days of Reggie Bush. After running a 4.32 40-time at the combine, many are beginning to compare him to Chris Johnson.

Positives – SHEEEEESH, dat boi fast AF FR

Negatives – SHEEEEESH, dat boi smol AF FR

Pick 1.13 (Squirt) – Will Levis, QB

The Cinderella team from last season is on the clock, and Isaiah gets back into his downward dog pose. With a less than desirable QB room, Squirt elects to take another shot on a questionable rookie.

William “Bill” Levis has excellent size, a strong arm, and good accuracy on short and intermediate passes. He is also a threat to extend plays with his mobility and big frame, a-la Josh Allen. However, he can be inconsistent with accuracy on deep passes and may need to work on improving his footwork and mechanics in the pocket. He also may need to improve his ability to read defenses and progress through his reads.

Pick 1.14 (Siegrist) – Michael Mayer, TE

This whole draft process took like an hour, and I think Isaiah was as happy as I was that the final pick was here. Michael Mayer goes to the Cucks at 1.14.

Michael Mayer has excellent size, athleticism, and versatility. He has good hands and is capable of making contested catches, while also being able to line up in different spots on the field and being a solid blocker. Mayer has good after-the-catch ability and is difficult to bring down. He may not have Kyle Pitts speed, but he does profile well athletically, and he could become a big-time Dynasty TE in the future.