2026 Season Preview
By: DatBoiFizz
Welcome back, my dudes. Daddy is back with another season preview. Each position group is rated from Elite, Good, Mediocre, and Poor based mostly off vibes. Elite groups require both top end talent and depth. Player ranks, average ages, and playoff odds come from FantasyCalc.com. If your placement upsets you, feel free to prove me wrong. Also, Brent has been talking about replacing this column with some AI slop, so this may be my last year writing this. We shall see.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Tier 1: the Favorites
1. Belmont Bukake
Has own ’27 1st: No
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 1st/5th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 69% / 20%
Average Age of Starters: 28.7 (13th)
QB: (Elite) Lamar Jackson (2), Kyler Murray (19), Jacoby Brissett (29), Tua Tungamungabunga (30), Michael Penix (NR)
RB: (Elite) Christian McCaffrey (4), Kenneth Walker (10), Derrick Henry (11), Quinshon Judkins (23), Keaton Mitchell (52)
WR: (Elite) Justin Jefferson (5), AJ Brown (7), Malik Nabers (11), Luther Burden (23), Mike Evans (31), Stefon Diggs (36)
TE: (Good) George Kittle (9), Dalton Kincaid(15)
Overall:
This is a typically stacked roster from the Bukkake who are set to take the league by storm this year, perhaps even in line for an undefeated season. The elephant in the room, as always, is the ass-blasting. Rostering three 49ers players in key positions is undeniably risky, but there is plenty of depth if any of them were to miss time. Brent’s butthole remains surprisingly supple and elastic. This team is all in and clearly the team to beat.
2. West Carrollton Wimps
Has Own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 2nd/1st
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 63% / 17%
Average Age of Starters: 26.7 (9th)
QB: (Good) Josh Allen (1), Bo Nix (13)
RB: (Good) Bijan Robinson (2), Breece Hall (16), Bayshul Tuten (26), Aaron Jones (45)
WR: (Good) Jamarr Chase (1), Chris Olave (12), Davante Adams (24), Xavier Worthy (55), Josh Downs (41), Keenan Allen (58)
TE: (Elite) Brock Bowers (1), Tucker Kraft (5), Oronde Gadsen (21)
Overall:
Thanks, guys, for voting to add TE Premium and also to never break up this roster. The Wimps have a top 2 player at each position, decent depth, and lots of picks. They should be a contender for the foreseeable future.
Tier 2: the Contenders
3. Wiesbaden Wischers
Has own ’27 1st: No
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 3rd/3rd
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 56% / 12%
Average Age of Starters: 27.0 (10th)
QB: (Good) Dak Prescott (9), Sam Darnold (21)
RB: (Elite) Jamyr Gibbs (1), Kyren Williams (14), Bucky Irving (20), Chubba Hubbard (31), Rachaad White (41), Dylan Sampson (56)
WR: (Good) George Pickens (8), Nico Collins (10), Michael Wilson (35), Courtland Sutton (40), Kahili Shakir (54), Malik Washington (62)
TE: (Mediocre) Mark Andrews (13), Kenyon Sadiq (19)
Overall:
I’m putting the Wischers at the top of the Contender tier, but I don’t feel great about it. There seems to be a large range of outcomes for this team, with multiple key players possibly regressing down from a peak. Regardless, Darren has the consensus non-SF 1.01 in Gibbs and strong starters everywhere but TE. The ceiling is high, and there is no incentive to pivot to a mid season tank.
4. Gem City Titties
Has own ’27 1st: No
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 7th/4th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 41% / 6%
Average Age of Starters: 26.7 (8th)
QB: (Good) Jalen Hurts (7), Pat Mahomes (11)
RB: (Good) Omarion Hampton (8), Deandre Swift (21), Jaylen Warren (28), Rhamondre Stevenson (29), Tyjae Spears (51)
WR: (Good) Drake London (9), Rome Odunze (27), Marvin Harrison (32), DK Metcalf (33), Chris Godwin (38), Michael Pittman (39), Jakobi Lane (59)
TE: (Good) Sam LaPorta (6), AJ Barner (24)
Overall:
The dark horse contender for 2026. Rock solid everywhere, with just enough upside players to hope for a first round bye and deep playoff run.
5. WrightPatt Chairforce
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 14th/11th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 46% / 7%
Average Age of Starters: 25.1 (2nd)
QB: (Good) Jayden Daniels (5), Caleb Williams (6), Shedeur Sanders (NR)
RB: (Good) James Cook (5), Ashton Jeanty (12), Jonathon Brooks (34), Kenneth Gainwell (38)
WR: (Mediocre) Tet McMillan (20), Brian Thomas (34), Wan’dale Robinson (46), Jordan Tyson (48), Dontayvion Wicks (75)
TE: (Mediocre) Turd Ferguson (12), Chig Okonkwo (17)
Overall:
The nightmare is over. The Chairforce are finally looking competent, thanks in large part to the off-season trades for Jayden Daniels and James Cook. Lgr still has all of his 1sts, keeping this team nimble. Does a hot start lead to a splashy trade for another starter? Or does a slow start mean a pivot to some injured studs and one more high draft pick in a loaded(?) 2027 draft?
Tier 3: the “CoNtEnDeRs”
6. Dayton Doughboys
Has own ’27 1st: No
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 4th/7th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 52% / 7%
Average Age of Starters: 26.3 (7th)
QB: (Mediocre) Jordan Love (20), CJ Stroud (22), JJ McCarthy (NR)
RB: (Good) Devon Achane (6), Travis Etienne (17), Zach Charbonet (44), Tyler Allgiere (47)
WR: (Elite) Ceedee Lamb (6), Ladd McConkey (16), Garrett Wilson (18), Terry McLaurin (25), De’Zhaun Stribling (49), Matt Golden (53),
TE: (Good) Harold Fannin (8), TJ Hockenson (22)
Overall:
Shadynasty’s transaction king finds himself at a bit of a crossroads this year, with a middling roster and no draft picks to speak of for some time. How did that happen? Anyway, someone has to be the sixth playoff team; might as well go for it, right? Right???
7. Minster Muffdivers
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 10th/9th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 37% / 5%
Average Age of Starters: 25.4 (4th)
QB: (Good) Trevor Lawrence (10), Jaxson Dart (12), Daniel Jones (24)
RB: (Poor) RJ Harvey (30), Tank Bigsby (54),
WR: (Good) Puka Nacua (2), Emeka Egbuka (21), Jameson Williams (26), Parker Washington (28), Makai Lemon (37), Travis Hunter (64)
TE: (Good) Trey McBride (2)
Overall:
What to make of this team? Stacked at WR, a top TE, three startable QBs (plus Ty Simpson), and then a big fat *shrug* at RB? Also of note is the fourth best collection of draft capital, including all of their own picks. You could make a case at putting this team up to third if Kevin turns those picks into some starters at RB, but is that even being considered? Maybe the strategy is to play the long game and address the RB position next off-season. And maybe that’s the right move; this team is fairly young and should hold or gain value. But this team is also too good for a top five pick, and if the plan is to buy a RB or two right before the season, we should be getting that transaction notification ASAP. I’m fascinated to see where this team goes this season.
8. Anna Apollos
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 5th/2nd
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 51% / 8%
Average Age of Starters: 27.3 (12th)
QB: (Elite) Drake Maye (4), Jared Goff (16), Geno Smith (31)
RB: (Good) Jonathon Taylor (3), Rico Dowdle (27), Tony Pollard (32), JK Dobbins (33), MarShawn Lloyd (42), Woody Marks (43)
WR: (Mediocre) Tee Higgins (15), DJ Moore (22), Jayden Reed (45), Deebo Samuel (50), Jakobi Meyers (56), Tank Dell (66)
TE: (Good) Kyle Pitts (7), Juwan Johnson (16)
Overall:
Not sure what to make of this team. Vito traded Saquon for scraps this off-season and finally punted on Anthony Richardson. So maybe this is just the midpoint of a full rebuild, but there are still many assets at peak value to offload. With two studs, Kyle Pitts, and great depth, I’m not ruling the Apollos out of a playoff push either, but it’s difficult to see the vision right now.
9. Burrow of Brooklyn
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 9th/10th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 54% / 7%
Average Age of Starters: 27.1 (11th)
QB: (Good) Joe Burrow (3), Tyler Shough (18), Carson Beck (NR)
RB: (Mediocre) David Montgomery (22), Jadarian Price (24), TreVeyon Henderson (25), Isiah Pacheco (55)
WR: (Mediocre) Amon-Ra St. Brown (4), Zay Flowers (17), Kayshon Boutte (63)
TE: (Good) Tyler Warren (4), Dallas Godert (14)
Overall:
How fitting to be named after Joe Burrow, a player who has made one title game and has otherwise disappointed. The Burrow is mid-table again, right where they belong. Matt wouldn’t have it any other way.
Tier 4: Dangerously Delusional
10. Golden Gods
Has own ’27 1st: No
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 8th/8th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 54% / 7%
Average Age of Starters: 30.4 (14th)
QB: (Mediocre) Matt Stafford (15), Baker Mayfield (17), Drew Allar (NR)
RB: (Good) Saquon Barkley (7), Chase Brown (9), Josh Jacobs (18), Bill Croskey-Merritt (37), Tyrone Tracy (49), Alvin Kamara (53)
WR: (Poor) Jaylen Waddle (19), Alec Pierce (43), Romeo Doubs (51)
TE: (Mediocre) Travis Kelce (10), Dalton Schultz (23)
Overall:
I feel like I say this every year, but Caleb should really switch to a tank. This is the oldest team by far. There is no 1st round redraft talent to be found; hell, Saquon is barely a 2nd round talent in SF. Depth is poor. Multiple key players are an injury away from retirement, and some won’t even need an injury to get there. All of this is after he traded away the bulk of his draft capital. The path to a playoff run is very narrow, and it’s a steep fall off of that path. The chickens are going to come home to roost at some point. Ask Logger.
11. St. Henry Scallywags
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 13th/6th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 32% / 3%
Average Age of Starters: 26.2 (6th)
QB: (Good) Justin Herbert (8), Aaron Rodgers (27), Kirk Cousins (33)
RB: (Poor) Cam Skattebo (19), Blake Corum (35), Kyle Monagai (39), Jordan Mason (36), Jonah Coleman (49), Brian Robinson (50)
WR: (Mediocre) Jaxson Smith-Njigba (3), Quentin Johnston (42), Omar Cooper (67), Cyrus Allen (65), Jauan Jennings (69)
TE: (Poor) Terrance Ferguson (25), David Njoku (NR)
Overall:
Another team that clearly should be tanking, but seems to think a playoff push is appropriate. Herbert and JSN are great long term assets, but the rest should be sold for scrap in the hopes of a top 3 pick this year. At least Brandon was wise enough to hold onto those 1sts.
Tier 5: the Tankers
12. Mason Minutemen
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 12th/13th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 22% / 1%
Average Age of Starters: 25.1 (3rd)
QB: (Mediocre) Bryce Young (26), Cam Ward (23), Deshaun Watson (32)
RB: (Mediocre) Javonte Williams (15), Chris Rodriguez (46)
WR: (Mediocre) Rashee Rice (14), Carnell Tate (30), KC Conception (47),, Jalen Coker (52), Jalen Nailer (61)
TE: (Poor) no one of note
Overall:
What is the timeline for the Minutemen? Does Jerry expect to be right back into contention after this season? A couple of first rounders will help, but the 1.02 will likely be a QB (Arch Manning?). Does that vault this roster into the top six? This team needs a superstar or two, and I’m not sure those players are on the current roster. A couple big swings might still be needed on the trade market.
13. Cassella Cucks
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 6th/14th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: 17% / 1%
Average Age of Starters: 25.5 (5th)
QB: (Mediocre) Brock Purdy (14), Fernando Mendoza (28)
RB: (Poor) Mike Washington (40), Kaelon Black (65)
WR: (Poor) Devonta Smith (13),, Denzel Boston (60), Tre Tucker (65)
TE: (Good) Coleston Loveland (3), Isaiah Likely (11),
Overall:
Will this team push for 1.01? Smith doesn’t fit the timeline and should probably be traded ASAP, but even if he is, this team may have too much talent to truly bottom out. Not that that’s a bad thing.
14. Centerville Cheekburgers
Has own ’27 1st: Yes
2025 Preseason rank / Finish: 11th/12th
Make Playoffs / Win Title: Lol
Average Age of Starters: 24.5 (1st)
QB: (Poor) Malik Willis (25)
RB: (Mediocre) Jeremiyah Love (13)
WR: (Poor) Christian Watson (29), Jordan Addison (44), Rashid Shaheed (57), Malachi Fields (76)
TE: (Poor) Brenton Strange (18), Hunter Henry (20)
Overall:
Clearly our worst team this year. With three 1sts in the upcoming draft, Jim is doing it right and taking his medicine. It’s going to take a lot more than Jeremiah Smith to save this team, though. I expect to see him right back in this spot next year, and maybe the year after as well. Still, this is the right way to build a true contender. Enjoy the college football, Jimmy.