2022 Round 1 Mock Draft

Written by BrungusFrangdungle

1.1 Fairborn Fuckboys

After a complete fire-sale in 2021, the Fairborn Fuckboys are left devoid of much remaining talent. To begin their rebuild, management decides to go full on homer and select the newly drafted QB for the Steelers, Kenny Pickett.

Although Pickett may not have the same level of hype as some of the QBs in the class before him, he does posses an "NFL ready" skill set, and will be joining a roster chock-full of talented playmakers. Still, many questions about him remain... Can he really hold on to a football with such small hands? Will he be able to overcome the 2020 NVP, Mitch "Kissin' Tiddies" Trubisky? Do all QBs that wear two gloves actually suck at football?

THE PEOPLE DEMAND ANSWERS!

1.2 Chickasaw Chafed Chodes

Last season the Chafed Chodes made it abundantly clear that their strategy was to hitch their wagon to dumpster fire-level NFL teams... and I see nothing indicating that they intend to change that in 2022. At pick 2, the Chodes lock down the NYJ backfield by selecting Breece Hall.

Hall profiles very well (Sub 4.4 40 time and elite level burst score), and seems to be the consensus top RB prospect in the class. With an "improving offense" (yeah, pry not rlly), Hall should see a decent amount of scoring opportunities and return value early in his career.

1.3 Burrow of Brooklyn

Breece Hall's new teammate Garret Wilson goes just one pick after him to the Burrow of Brooklyn.

Let's be clear: WR is far from this teams' top priority. I'm sure Brooklyn would love to add a QB here, yet reaching for one of the remaining signal callers would likely be a mistake. One thing is for certain though - the Burrow's GM is a bit of a wild card, and could surprise us all here at 1.03 come draft day. Squirts' probably not reading this anyway, so who really cares?

1.4 Dayton Doughboys

Even though they went out and acquired the entirety of the 49ers RB room (aside from the true RB1, Deebo Samuel), the Doughboys continue to add depth at a position of need with Kenneth Walker.

It’s clear that the Seattle Seahawks want to focus on running the football, and Walker runs hard and can make defenders miss as he glides side-to-side across the field. He will be faced with some early competition in Rashaad Penny and possibly some from Chris Carson (assuming he can still walk).

Also, during the NFL Draft, Doughboys GM Dustin Tanzer was overheard in a drunken conversation, stating: "I fucking love Pete Carrol" (per Adam Shefter).

1.5 Belmont Bukkake

Belmont waltzed into the 2021 season fresh off of a championship with many people talking about how deep their roster was. There were early concerns that this team would ruin the sanctity of the league, and some even clamored for a redraft...

CUE THE ASS-BLASTING.

With an aging WR room, the Bukkake are searching for a young talent to pass the torch to in the near future. Even though Wilson went two picks earlier, there are still some good options here with high ceilings. In a completely tilted and rage fueled pick (fuck you Ridley), the Bukkake select the Falcon's big bodied Drake London.

1.6 Gahanna Gargoyles

Trading for Dalvin Cook really set this team back. The Gargoyles are coming off of a rather disappointing season after leveraging the future and going all-in for 2021.

Complete 180 here this offseason as they ship Saquon Barkley off for what seems to be a pick in which they will be stuck with taking a WR... was this what they had planned all along?

There are still some good receivers on the board at this point, and I'm led to believe the Gargoyles will shoot for the insanely high ceiling that Treylon Burks provides. He may have had a slightly disappointing combine, but his talent and size are undeniable.

1.7 Fairborn Fuckboys

Dude couldn't crack the OSU starting line up so he fled to Tuscaloosa. What a bitch.

In reality though, Jameson Williams possesses a profile quite similar to those bama WRs that preceded him - and each of them have already seen success at the next level. The talent is certainly there, yet the combination of landing spot with his torn ACL have driven down his draft stock. This pick could end up being a steal for the Fuckboys, who can afford to wait on Williams to get healthy.

1.8 Anna Apollos

Chris Olav-bae captured the hearts of Buckeye fans throughout the nation over the past few years. He is an extremely polished route runner (insert something about how "smooth" he is on the field), and he produced in a crowded WR room. Olave should have an opportunity to show what he's capable of early in his career on a team that somehow still believes they're competing for a Super Bowl.

This pick by the Apollos seems like a BPA approach. I'd say there is a small chance we could all be surprised and see the 3rd RB come off the board here instead.

1.9 Dayton Doughboys

Andy Reid loves two things: Food and fast WRs.

We are at the point with the rookie wide receivers where the value enhancement is attributed more to landing spot and quarterback play than anything else. Skyy Moore is the biggest beneficiary of that. He's an agile WR with good hands, yet he's not as proven as the other receivers taken before this point.

The Doughboys are showing signs that they're ready to compete, and Skyy Moore should provide some decent points for this coming season. Did I mention he's catching passes from Patrick Mahomes?

1.10 Dayton Doughboys

RB3 comes off the board at pick 1.10 as the Dayton Doughboys work towards their goal of attaining more talent in the backfield.

James Cook is the sibling of all-pro RB Dalvin Cook. There's no doubt that this is a talented family... just don't expect the younger of the two to be as good as his older brother. I don't see this becoming a "Travis and Jason Kelce" or a "Peyton and Eli Manning" situation. He lands with the Bills, and joins a high profile offense that lacks much inspiring talent at RB.

1.11 Wright-Patt Chair Force

Speaking of rookie wide receivers who benefit from their landing spot, how about Christian Watson landing in Green Bay with reigning NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers at quarterback? The Chair Force grab what they hope will quickly become their franchise QB's favorite WR, and a nice stack to lean on heading into next season.

Watson is a big dude who had success in college. The only issue with that is he did it at NDSU, playing small school CBs with a glaring size advantage.

1.12 St Henry Scallywags

After fading the running back free agent market, the Houston Texans look to rookie, Dameon Pierce, as a potential lead back for the 2022 season. This landing spot is juicy from a volume standpoint. Dameon should be able to keep pace as an RB2 next season as he competes with older backs on the roster for carries.

To some, this may seem like a bit of a reach by the Scallywags, but this is a team that will need to address their RB situation soon.

1.13 Chickasaw Chafed Chodes

Dotson seems to be a fan favorite of many in the Dynasty community. His route running is up there with the others in the top of the class, and he can play anywhere on the field. With Carson Wentz doing Carson Wentz things, Dotson could see a decent amount of mid to low quality targets in his rookie season.

...did we mention that the Chafed Chodes like drafting players on bad teams? This pick is a lock.

1.14 Fairborn Fuckboys

The Fuckboys just can't contain the homer-ism. George Pickens is the final selection in round 1 to complete what they hope will be a nice young stack for years to come. Early on Pickens will be faced with competition for targets, but there's no denying the upside here. And, let's not forget, the Steelers are notorious for identifying and acquiring elite WR talent in the draft.