Pick 1.01 – Franzer

Justin Fields – QB Ohio State

Our first pick is a shocker as the OSU homer Justin Franzer says YOLO and takes the beefy boi from Ohio State with the first pick. With no QBs on the roster, it’s no surprise to see the Dayton Doughboys take one early. The #2 recruit out of high school, Fields was Big Ten Offensive player of the year his Sophomore and Junior seasons, and led his Buckeyes to the National title game this past season. After beating Clemson in the playoff, Fields again comes out on top.

Pick 1.02 – Franzer

Trevor Lawrence – QB Clemson

After passing on the presumptive #1 overall pick to the Jaguars, the Dayton Doughboys double up and take the best quarterback on the board. The #1 recruit out of high school in 2018, this pick is a no brainer. The only nit-pick to be had is the fact that he will be playing for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick 1.03 – Kevin

Zach Wilson – QB BYU

Devastated that his sweet golden boi couldn’t fall one more pick, Kevin Homan and the Chickasaw Chafed Chodes take the next best QB on the board. The presumptive #2 overall pick to the Jets, Wilson joins a new coaching staff headed by Robert Salah in New York that are loaded with draft capital to build around him in the coming years. With great accuracy and a rocket arm that some dipshits are comparing to Patrick Mahomes, Wilson has STUD written all over him.

Pick 1.04 – Fuzz

Ja’Marr Chase – WR LSU

After seeing the top three QBs come off the board, the Cassella Cockfighters change direction and are thrilled to land the top skill position player on the board. Despite sitting out the 2020 season, Chase looks to be the best wide receiver prospect since Calvin Johnson. Boasting strength, hands, and 4.4 speed, Ja’Marr Chase is a can’t miss prospect with superstar potential. Landing spot will be irrelevant for Chase, but current odds makers have him joining former LSU teammate Joe Burrow in Cincinnati at #5 overall.

Pick 1.05 – Fuzz

Najee Harris – RB Alabama

With two consecutive picks, the Cassella Cockfighters land the two best skill position players in the draft after taking Hajee Harris. The workhorse back for the undefeated national champion, Harris is a bruiser with surprising shiftiness and soft hands out of the backfield. Rumors have him linked to the Pittsburgh Steelers picking at #24, though we can expect him to go in the first round at some point. Another can’t miss prospect with superstar potential for the Cockfighters.

Pick 1.06 – Squirtle

Trey Lance – QB NDSU

Desperate for a second quarterback after the Dwayne Haskins debacle, the Burrow of Brooklyn (come on Squirt, get in line with the naming semantics) takes the boi with the highest potential still on the board in Trey Lance. After bursting on the scene in 2019 with a 28-0 TD/INT ratio and 1,100 rushing yards, Lance played one game in 2020 and looked much more human. How far that one subpar performance will knock him down the NFL draft boards remains to be seen. 

Pick 1.07 – Franzer

Devonta Smith – WR Alabama

After a dazzling decision to exchange a 1st for a second next year to move up three spots to pick 1.07, the Dayton Doughboys get their guy in Heisman winner Devonta Smith. The first wide receiver to win the award since Desmond Howard in 1991, Smith is a devastating weapon for an offense that can fit in anywhere. Despite his slight frame and late breakout age, this boi gets stats. Currently projected to join his former Alabama QB Tua Tagivalaooiaoo in Miami, Smith should be as safe a pick as they come.

Pick 1.08 – Kevin

Travis Etienne – RB Clemson

Boasting maybe the worst running back room in the league, the Chafed Chodes have no choice but to take the best RB on the board in Travis Etienne. A burner who stayed his senior year to win another CFB title, only to be shut down by a better Ohio State team, Etienne enters this draft as the second best RB prospect. The career rushing yards leader for Clemson, this boi boasts 4.38 speed and enough size and power to make defenders think twice about tackling high.

Pick 1.09 – Franzer

Kyle Pitts – TE Florida

Once again, it’s Justin freaking Franzer making a pick. This time, he takes the top tight end prospect in years in Florida’s Kyle Pitts. At 6’5 245lbs, and with 4.4 speed, prospects like Pitts just do not come around very often. Projections have him going as high as #4 overall to the Falcons. Naysayers will point to the track record of highly drafted tight ends in fantasy, but the Dayton Doughboys say, “Nay!” to those naysayers. With the grace and suddenness of a wide receiver, maybe we should all start thinking of him in that lens. 

Pick 1.10 – Juan Chetto

Jaylen Waddle – WR Alabama

After taking a big swing and missing on Henry Ruggs last year, the Anna Apollos double down and pick the next speedster from Alabama in Jaylen Waddle. Arguably the best weapon on the national champion Crimson Tide before going down with an ankle injury, Waddle frequently looked like the fastest player on the field in a conference full of burners. With a first round NFL projection, the only question is, can Waddle finally be the speedster that lives up to that Tyreek Hill potential?

Pick 1.11 – Franzer

Javonte Williams – RB UNC

It’s Franzer again, this time taking a running back in North Carolina’s Javonte Wiliams. Another bruising back, Williams is a player who rose up draft boards with a stellar 2020 season, posting 1140 rushing yards and 19 TDs. Despite splitting carries with his change of pace teammate Michael Carter, Williams looks to be a back capable of a heavy load early on in his NFL career. The biggest question is, can he be that 3-down back that fantasy managers value so highly?

Pick 1.12 – Franzer

Mac Jones – QB Alabama

Fuck you Franzer, you’re taking another quarterback.

Rashod Bateman – WR Minnesota 

Pick 1.13 – Brent

What do you get the current champion team that has no weaknesses (who is somehow not picking last)? The best player on the board, that’s what. Rashod Bateman is a player who measured in a little under what he was listed at during his 2020 season, but who still projects to be a strong receiving option in the NFL. At 6’0 190lbs, Bateman broke out his true freshman year with 704 yards and 6 TDs, earning him third team All-American. Landing spot will be crucial, but Bateman should find himself being taken towards the end of the first round of the NFL draft.

Pick 1.14 – Kevin

Kenneth Gainwell – RB Memphis

With the final pick of the first round, the Chafed Chodes continue to rebuild their running back room with Kenneth Gainwell. Gainwell is an undersized back at 5’8 200lbs, yet has shown a great propensity at juking and wiggling his way out of tackles. Despite sitting out the 2020 season, Gainwell posted 1,459 yards and 16 TDs on the ground for the Tiger in his redshirt freshman season. With only one season under his belt, the risk is high for this pick, but so is the potential. 

Gainwell? No, gain VERY well! (Sorry.)